Vocation Part Three

At first I thought of making this entry in Bahasa Malaysia instead of English but after a few keystrokes I changed my mind and started typing in English. One of the reason of writing is to be able to get my message across and since English is not my native language plus it's the language that I found I am able to pour my heart out. Okay, enough of non-topic-related babbling.


It's come to the end of working for the first month. Seems like time has just whizzed by but looking back it was quite an eventful fortnight. Getting used to waking up early(again), walking and riding the LRT and waiting then taking the bus and more walking to the office. Now I have to wake up as early as 6 am to be able to make it to the office in time. I guess that's just the price to pay for: getting a job that has rigid working time, working in the capital of Malaysia where traffic jams and long commute is the norm(even though I live near my office but my commute is around 45 minutes from my front door to my temporary cubicle( yes, for me 45 minutes of walking, waiting for the ride and standing in the LRT and bus is a long time)). Such "clever" decision I've made on my choice of career. Wait, I don't want a career, I just need a job. The one day shy from two weeks of being on my new job involves: reading newspapers and playing sudoku in the waiting room for the first week. This week I spent my time reading news online(since I am being placed temporarily at a cubicle with a Internet-connected PC albeit the blocking of some sites) and more internet surfing. Oh, I also did "mengular" by going to the cafeteria downstairs at the ground floor (one of the perks of being at the first floor) to grab a drink, hot ones. The reason being my office is freezing cold and I want to warm myself especially my hands. The best part of the air conditioning at my office is that I sit right beneath one of the air cond vent and for some reasons unknown to me the surface of my keyboard is the best place to get my hands numbs from coldness. Anyway, I'm trying to get used to the coldness because it helps my body to burn extra calories(refer here) even though cold office is counter productive.

Somehow sitting in my small, cold cubicle for around 8 hours a day doing nothing(work related) still drains me out. Everyday when I arrive at home I will feel tired and worn out as if I did spend my time working. It's weird because all I did was surfing the internet. When I was on my previous job, I didn't feel really tired even when I arrive at home way later(usually after 8 pm). Maybe I'm tired from reading a lot of articles since I get drowsy easily when reading or maybe my body was telling me I'm tired of doing nothing or maybe I'm physically unfit and tends to get tired easily or maybe some other reason. The upside of my job now are: fixed office hours - if I have nothing to do at 5 pm I can just head back home. It's very hard to get fired or lost my job; the only way I can think of to get fired is to screw up big time, like taking bribe openly or maybe getting charged for criminal offense. The next good thing is the ease of making bank loan. Well there are logically other advantages but these are the ones that I think I like the most.


I also started to notice that I don't have much ideas anymore, to be more precise I don't really have opinions to voice out despite reading about the Tunisian and Egyptian revolt, Tenang by election, Port Klang state assemblyman chair's declared empty by the speaker, the fact that 40% of Malaysian earns less that RM2430(I don't really remember the excat figure but around this number) which is classified as the lower income group a.k.a. miskin, Interlok content possible change which is a shame because it's a literature piece and to simply change the content to satisfy some party deemed it as sensitive is akin to touching up a painting; books or movies or whatever piece of record if it's factually wrong or if it's really recognized as offensive should be banned altogether instead of changing it. Back to the list of things that I don't have or don't really form my 2 cents worth of opinion(or maybe worth less)Chinese government Great Firewall, shitty television and other issues that I can't clearly recall. Maybe I don't think anymore since by thinking about issues and formed a possibly politically incorrect opinion I risk being caught or known by my colleagues talking about ideas or opinions which is not endorsed by the ruling government. Sigh, I'm such a sell out. I sold my personality, ideas, views and more importantly the right to be myself and not hide it just for a menial paper pusher job.

This just gave an idea. I can have an opinion, form it in the office during office hours(without sidelining my of course) but communicate it on paper before uploading it at the end of the week. Yes, hello personality and ideas and my personal POVs. The main reason I think I don't really form ideas is I want to stay low in the office. I want to be stealth and keep as low key as possible about my personal life, personality, ability and views because of the nature of my employment where my employer don't really like people having different than theirs even when the shareholders allows it. There's no use getting down, feeling lost or despair because I can still form my ideas and POVs in my office but still maintain a low key and have what seems to be good relationship with my colleagues without standing out like a sore thumb. Hahahaha, it's funny to think that I'm going to be an idea ninja. What people around me see is just a regular staff doing regular job going back at regular time but has another side. Another side which yearns to he heard but afraid, at risk and is only visible on the internet. I'm such a wuss. Hahahaha!!

One other weird thing that happened since last week is, shit I won't talk about this. Not now, not this topic and not on the internet. Ah, mungkin itu cuma just a spur of the moment. I hope it is.

Ciao~

Brick

What do you do when you have the social skills of a brick? How express your ideas and views when you feel like an outsider, an outcast and add to that the inability to voice out your opinion in sentences like normal human? How do you speak out ideas that are in your head, them being in a "fuzzy" form, like a mass of black cloud, you understand it(sort off) but can't really put words to describe it? This is one of many problems that I have and am still unable to overcome. It's very disappointing and frustrating because it feels like wanting to speak but having no voice. The words doesn't seem to connect to form into intelligible sentences and when I tried sometimes they come out in a way having different meaning than was intended. Darn!

I really have trouble making friends, not even casual friends but making small talks for a number of reasons. The first reason being I, for most of the time will give a person I meet a once over and make up a conclusion of him/her. From there I will try to pinpoint what kind of person he/she is, who is he/she is similar to with people I've already known, how well we can get along, do I hate his/her guts, is he/she a bimbo/douche bag kind of person, what stereotype does the person falls into and many many more question of compatibility pops up and my brain comes up with the classification label of the person. After gauging the person, then will I decide whether will or will not I engage the person further in conversation or whatever etc. Sometimes when I get the gut feeling that I don't like a person or don't really feel we'll connect I won't even bother to make further contact because it seems pointless because we don't have any common ground. Furthermore, personally I feel that making small talks/getting to know people/socializing is fucking tiring and troublesome because what is the use trying to be friends with people that I know I won't be close to since we don't really have common ground.

Usually I will feel pressed to find subject matter when talking with people for the first time. I would try a few subjects and see what topic can we talk about. It feels really awkward(for me at least) and to a point when I've run out of ideas or if it seems has been sometimes and we're still making small talks, I'd just stop it right there. There was this one case last week when this one person comes into the waiting room of my office where I have to be because I'm still waiting for my posting from my employer. I can't even be bothered to talk to that person; I just went on reading my book after exchanging a few pleasantries. Well, if this example seems insignificant because that person is just a stranger waiting to see someone from my department, it also happens to my family members and close friends. Whenever I have something in my head that I guess we can't really talk at lengths about, I'll just let the idea stay in my head and rot there.

The biggest issue here is that at times I'll feel like a lot of things bottled up inside me and most of the time will unleash the ideas to the unfortunate person making the mistake of talking about it to me even when they don't really mean to talk about it or just wanting to make small talks. Darn, kenapa aku ni tak reti kawal mulut? Bukan opinionated sangat tapi kuat sangat merepek. Urghhh I need to tackle this problem somehow.

Since I can't really talk to anyone or have the leisure of torturing people with my babbling I decided to blog. It seems counter intuitive for an introvert dude to write things that he doesn't even talk to other people, but instead making it available to everyone on earth who has internet connection. Whatever it maybe, blogging seems to be some sort of my personal sanctuary, a place where I can ramble(with restriction on few selected matters) without having to talk to anyone or having to face other people's opinion about what I said. Having said that, I still enabled commenting on this blog. One of the thing I hate about human to human interaction is the feedback part. Sometimes I know what I'm going to say may be wrong of offend or people wouldn't want to listen so I just keep my mouth shut. Maybe that's why we have cultures in this world; the ones that avoid being offensive by being straight forward and brutally honest.

I don't know, maybe my problem is keeping my mouth shut. Maybe I should read more on topics that interest me to find out more about it so I'll be able to form my ideas better. Reading helps sometimes but given that I can't really read fast and recalling what I read is not my strong suit, I've got along way to go before I can really give "good" opinions; opinions based on facts and figures; opinions that are based on logic and makes sense.

New Chapter

Whenever I started a job, one of the thoughts that played in my mind is where am I going with this job? Where will I be in 5 years? What will this job brings me? What do I do when I'm not at the office, during my free time? These questions seems like coming from a person who is concern with career, but I don't think I fall into that category. I don't want a career, just a job. My concern about my job is whether I'll still stuck to my desk job or will I do something else, preferably on my own after a few years? Even though money is not a big focus, I still think what are my options financially after a few years. The reason is because I don't want to be tied down working for others forever.

Since today was a public holiday, the question played in my mind quite sometimes. I was looking forward to plan what am I going to do in these few years on my current job to get ready to cabut and do my own thing. Darn, a guy who doesn't posses any useful trade skill that can be used in real life options are pretty darn limited. Padan muka, sapa suruh belajar semata-mata nak dapat 'A'. Dumb shit betullah that decision I made a few years back. Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful for the grades helped me secure interviews with MNCs. What worries me the most is what option now am I going to go in my life, job wise, not career wise.

Personally I don't want to have a career because my life would be dull going through the same routine day in and day out. Even though if I'm not working my life is pretty dull(compared to "normal" standards) but the prospect of sitting in front of a desk at least 8 hours a day for life is quite the scary scenario for me. Sure it's good having a sure source of money every month, but having to answer to other people and doing something that I don't like(I don't hate it (for now) either) seems too boring for me. This brings the question of what on earth do I like? Darn that's a pretty hard question for me.

The real question is not "what do I like" but "what skills of trade do I posses that I like enough to do it at least 8 hours on a daily basis and can provide my enough money to maintain my lifestyle?". I used to like a little bit doing programming in university since it doesn't require much paperwork and I was able albeit was mediocre at it. The most painful part of programming for me is not solving the challenge the programming(this is the second most hard part) but the learning curve. Learning the language, familiarizing with the tools is such a pain. Next come the time consumption of doing programming. It takes a lot of time; designing, developing and testing it all demand a huge laborious hours. Darn, sapa suruh malas dulu2.

I can't quit answer the question above but one question that I know the answer and the answer keeps getting longer is "what do I hate?". The answer includes anything shitty paperwork; long, repetitive paperwork and the worst kind are the ones that requires handwriting. Even when there's technology today but most of the time processes that needed paperwork are still the same. Instead of re-engineer the whole process to reduce the amount of repetitive info needed and making the information available after just one time filling the information and making the information available across the same organization, what we have today is merely electronicalizing (is this even a word?) the same dumb shit fucked up process of paper work. The worst kind of paperwork are those that needs the soft copy and hard copy to be filed. This is shitty ass redundant. Yes, there's the possibility of the electronic copy gets destroyed, but same goes to the hard copies made. Technology has been made use to make paperwork shittier and more dumb fucked when we keep the soft copy and hard copy(most of the time multiple) back up. Now we need more people to just keep track of documents. That's against the idea of having technology to make things easier.

Urgh, enough of segueing. One of the thing that I like a bit and don't really mind doing is learning language. Language is interesting to be since it's like a door opening to a whole new world. It leads to learning of other cultures and countries. But currently I don't really know any language quite well to teach or to write. Heck, my grasp on my mother tongue, Bahasa Malaysia and English is barely enough for me to comprehend what I read on the internet which is just the basics. Sigh, darn you, younger me! HAhahahahaha!!

When I was going to start secondary school and university, I can pretty much "see" or guess what the end would be and the ends of those two experiences went quite well, only my university experience had a minor difference that what I thought but I can't really "see" the end of my job. What lies ahead is is not really clear for me and this is scary because I need to know before hand how it's possibly going to end before starting any venture. Maybe I can't see how it's possibly going to end up because I still can strive to change the end. Maybe because I won't see the end or maybe other possibilities.

Well whatever it is, seems that work is not like going to school or university. The possibilities branched to lots of endings. I need to work to get the ending that I would like. Ciao~ 

Less Than 10 Minutes

Let see what I can come up with within this last 10 minutes at the cyber cafe. Oh, tomorrow will be my first day going to Putrajaya as a government servant. Working for the government, hmmm not on my hopes and dreams list but hey, the list is safely buried under one unmarked grave somewhere. Some people work for the career, some because they enjoy what they do, some do it because they have no other option, some work because their parents want them to do so, some work just to spend the money they earned at the end of the month for things they don't really need. I work because I need the money, finito. I don't seem to grasp the concept of "career(well, not anymore). All I want is to be able to pay for my food and have a roof above my head. Let's just hope after working I won't be an asshole douche bag.

Dang, I've been crashing at my friend's place a lot this past few months. Thanks a lot guys since the poor and broke me still doesn't have a regular place to live.

Seems that I just pressed the Play button back on life after a long pause. Not life as in I was dead or brain dead, but life as in progress in life, facing the world as a contributing member of the society. Hmmm afer pressing the Pause button multiple times these past 2 and a half years, I don't think I will have the luxury to Pause my life at a whim again, dah tua dah pun.

Ok, time to go. Ciao~

Vocation

Just read the offer letter from the government. Thank God finally I got another job. I hope that I won't be job hopping anymore. Unless it's a good job, preferably with good money and no jobs. Hey, who am I kidding, there's no easy way to earn money. The letter or actually the notification from post office that I have a Pos Laju letter waiting for me to pick it up arrived at my friend's house late last month. I have been anxiously anticipating when will the offer letter will actually arrive since they notified me about succeeding the interview. The main reason I've been a little bit worried because I didn't use my parents' home address because at the time I filled the online job application I was staying with my friends. To make matters more interesting, the letter arrived when most of my friends are not at home and one of them only noticed it until early this year. I'm really thankful to him for taking the pains of going all the way from Skudai to the Larkin post office to pick my letter and noticing me. Actually he had help from one of his colleague to go and pick it up. Thanks a lot guys.


After knowing what was the content of the letter(which my friend had not yet read it until I asked him to) last Sunday or was it Monday, anyhoo I packed my bag and bought ticket to his house since I have few things to pick up at their place. Arriving last night at their place about 2 hours late because the bus I'm supposed to take broke down, I went throuh the letter.

The "best" thing about the offer was I'm supposed to report for duty on 18th January, go to my new employer the next day and only then will I know where will I be stationed. I'm cool with that except the part that where I'm going to be posted will only be known to me the next day and I'm not from around Putrajaya. So what I've got to do is get a place to crash before this Tuesday for a few days. Shit, I don't even have my own car. That means I've to use my old moped bike to go around. Let's hope it'll not rain.

Well I've still have to do medical check up this week, which I plan for tomorrow at a government hospital. Even though facing the prospect of having to wait for a long time, I've got to go through it since I'm broke. Hmmmm maybe my old housemates will met me crash at their place for a few days before I know where will I be stationed. And let's hope I get to be sent to a place where I have friends so I can crash their place of my own.

The Thought Process

How do we think? I'm not asking in the sense of the technical parts of the brain, neurons, synapses and nerves function but more on the way people think. Do people really talk to themselves in their head like in the television? Do people see things as videos or pictures in their head? How do people solve problems in their head? This few question have been bugging me for a couple of days now.

For me sometimes I think in video mode. This mode usually thinks about things in the future and sometimes a simulation of how things would happen if I were to do something. There would be video where certain event will play according how I would like things to go. Usually this kind of thinking occurs involuntarily most of the time when I'm bored and not focusing on anything. Is this what is called "dreaming"? I noticed that this kind of thinking  takes a huge toll; it throws me out of focus on what I'm doing at that particular time, I become sort of mentally drained and I would not notice what is around me. It's as if I'm focused on something that is nothing. It became annoying to the point that I tried to stop it every time it happens (and if I can catch it happening) but that took a lot of effort and causes me to feel irritated.

Other times I would think audio. Usually I would let a question or statement repeat itself in my head before making any decision. Currently I tried to talk to myself in my head (like how it's portrayed in television). It's kinda tiring too.

It would be wonderful to know how people think. To know what kind of thinking to use in different situations for different tasks. Actually there are many more things about thinking I would like to write now but it's hard for me to put words together that correctly reflects what I'm thinking.

This morning I saw a show on National Geographic called Breakout. It showed how two inmates broke out of prison using nails, head of a sledgehammer, saw blade (if I'm not mistaken), bed sheet, plastic sheet and other simple items. They even made dolls of themselves so the guards will think they are still in bed and doesn't notice when they're gone. One of the escapees was a man charged with murder. He raped and murdered a pregnant woman and even killed the inborn child. I wonder why did he do that? Was he sexually depraved? Was he feeling he can't control his life? It would be very very very fascinating to know how people think. How thoughts form, how we make decision, why most of the time emotions seems to triumph over reason and why people do the things they do.

New Year

It's the time of the year again. I'm writing this though it's the second day of the year and generally people write on this topic on December, before the start of a new year or the first day. Seems the second day is not really bad to write(technically type) about this. 1/1/2011 Saturday. Celebrated around the world it seems, even though there are still billions of people who don't for various reasons, one of them being having no access to electricity.

One of the things common during new year is making new years resolution. Fat people or people who feels fat or anorexics desire to shed those extra weight; the jobless, fired and new grads search for new jobs; Those who want to turn a new leaf, kicking the bad habit vows to stop their habits; school leavers weight their options for the future, whether it'll be going to university, getting a job or whatever; lonely singles want to find their soul mate or at least try to find one; sales people thinking hard of new strategies to sell more things to more people set new sales target or have one forcefully given to them by their supervisor/boss/manager/upline or whatever the title of their superior; political parties vow to get rid of their rivals and get more supports; couples looking forward to get married after spending years courting, lying, hypocritizing, saving money and practising abstinence; those sitting for major exams set their target to get as much As as they can, as if it matters in the real world; scammers planning more ways to cheat people of their money as much as possible (what's the news about Fiona's magnetic bracelet anyway?); bosses/managers/supervisor/chairman/VP/president/CEO or whoever controls a company seeking new way to make employees more productive(read: work more hours, more intense, producing more, sacrificing their personal lives more without having to spend a penny); megalomaniac politicians search new ways to stay in power longer, acquire more wealth and build more monuments of themselves. You get the idea. Different people have different desire/ambition/goal for 2011 and most of them have been set. Bent on achieving their gains, maybe they'll get what they wanted.

Why new year? My question is why set new year as the starting point of goals? Why not last December or November? Why is there a need to start new year with resolution? Is it because underneath it all we know that as each new year comes our time is running out and we want to make full use of our lives? What does it even means to living life to the fullest? I never get the notion "Carpe Diem" some people hold on to. Seize the day, they say. For what? Personal satisfaction? Glory? Peer pressure? Environmental  influence seeing, reading, hearing about how people everywhere are having new year's resolution? The best time I personally think is now. Whenever it is, when there's a goal, the best time to start is now. Isn't weird waiting for new year to start losing weight? It's perplexing why we would want to procrastinate starting something new. It seems a bit romantic to just start anew whenever we have goals but what I'm trying to say is about taking the first step now. Stop making rough ideas in our head, instead start taking the first step. Write it down, convince yourself, plan it properly and take the first step right away. Don't wait until tomorrow to eat right, start the moment you are convinced about it. Don't take a drag and say to yourself that'll be the last smoke, throw it away; In fact, throw the whole box and the lighter away. What I mean is to start immediately if you have a goal. Don't wait until tomorrow. The first step could be as simple as cutting down the food portion, or grab the book you always want to read, make a definite plan how much you want to save.

Would want to write about the tendency of resolution being vain, materialistic driven by personal desire most of the time but malas. Ciao~