Now, feeling angry towards somebody and being unable to take it out on that person is nothing unfamiliar to me. I'm used to it and learned to get used to it a long time ago. But I hate it; I still feel all the rage; able to bear doesn't mean it doesn't freaking hurt. The burning sensation that I feel around the region of my physical heart is still there. I wanted to bash that guy's face. I want to punch and kick and bite that person to death. At least I want to be able to seriously injure that person until he/she realized how angry I am. Until I can make him/her with force or with logic(preferably force) to admit (now I'm going to continue this essay using him and he since him/her is too damn long) that he's wrong and I'm right. I'm right in sense that he wronged me by making me furious and losing my temper. I would like to build it up; first yell at the mafakka's face, punch his face to break it; grab his head and bang it on the wall; then followed by spitting on his face and make him apologize. That'll be a good lesson for that shit head.
I don't get furious or even angry easily. Especially at strangers. But whenever I think someone is being too much and having fun being an asshole at my expense, my rage will shoot up. I fantasize of having vengeance and plotting ways to fuck that guy up. Okay, so the reason I'm writing this is because just now an older person from another department just made an asshole of himself. He complained about how the system wasn't working. As a budding sysadmin i admitted there's a known problem with the system and he could make a remark about the problem and his boss will be able to see it. He even asked me what's the door name(fucking retarded old man; he's been working here for some time and still doesn't even know the name of the door he's been using. Either hes an idiot, or fucking dumb fuck ignorant or just want to blame me if his boss asked hm because I gave him the door name.). Fucking retarded can't even answer when i asked who's on the other side of the line. Babi sial. I thought that was all.
A few moments passed then my phone rang; him again. He started to spend a few minutes building the fire of my fury and rage by saying how he'd made complaints online and it seems to him that nobody from the IT Dept did anything. I told him all about the problem; it was well known and we need hardware changes. Which is not cheap nor fast. It's not like paying $$ and you get to drive a new car. Babi boleh pulak cakap dah banyak duit habis. Puki sial. Kau tak tahu detail jangan le mulut cakap lepas. Eh boleh pergi buang laa title Haji kau tuh. Oh, BTW, jangan register dalam sistem Haji sebagai nama. Haji tu gelaran yang diberi oleh masyarakat je. Nama tu apa yang tertulis dalam surat beranak. Apa yang mak bapak kau kasik masa ko lahir dulu, bodoh! Fucking show-off! He thinks just because he performed pilgrimage he deserves respect. Fuck you! Respect is a privilege not a right, dipshit! Oh, while he was talking I even turn the phone awaay so I don't have to listen to all of his yapping. Babi tua sampah masyarakat.
Oh, BTW you fucking bastard old man, my friends happened to be sysadmins too. I can easily dig your information and make really damaging things to you. I can stalk you and kill you. Vandalize your vehicle. Expose your non-complete disclosure which is against the organization's(the one that pays us to work) policy. Heh, I could screw with your record just for fun. But I won't do that. I'm not that low; or that pissed; yet. You mess with me again and if you bring higher management into the matter, I'll think about fucking make a mess with your records and stuff. It's not a threat, it's an option. 'll admit my mistakes if it's mine but don't be an asshole or sadistic. I can be very vengeful.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Melancholic
Playing now: M. Nasir Canggung Mendonan album on loop. Nice. Time: 7.42pm if my desktop clock is correctly synchronized with the time server. Just had about 1 Liter of water and medicine for iftar and now waiting for the time to pass before having my meal. Recently I found that I'm calmer in during fasting month. Maybe because of the blessed month, or because there's no Satan and his underlings around, maybe because the low blood sugar; I frankly don't know. But I like how it feels. I like being calm and being able to think deep thoughts. Being able to perceive things less emotionally and with less worldly desire view and being more real, on-your-face-it's-life kind of thinking. Or, to be more precise, I have less worldly desire but more about my life. About what state I'm now, what have I done so far, what's my next move, what do I want to make of this short life, where I want to end up. Since the voice of my worldly desire is toned down, I can listen better to myself and what I'm hearing is not something I want to hear. It's something that I've been trying to run away from; to avoid at all cost while possible; to ignore it's calling. It's my biological calling trying to reach me. No, not food nor sex nor the need to rush to the nearest cleanest toilet available. The other biological calling. To mate, to start a family to produce offspring. To be a husband, a father.
Shit, my original plan was to get hitched by the end of 2010. I've got everything planned out. Well, sort of. I had the idea whose going to be the not-so-lucky woman, how we'll run the family. And I also was ready to faced hardship;vocationally speaking. I was ready to be one of those overworked and underpaid workers who had the bad luck of choosing IT for a career. I accepted that fact, I was willing to go through it since it seems worth it. Ah, but alas my naivety and false optimism backfired. Things go from bad to worse to everything gets flushed down the toilet kind of shit. I let go of my wanting fro the girl during my last year in university. Seems that she changed. The reason I fell for her in the first place wasn't there anymore. It wasn't her beauty nor was it her smile. It's something special(well, at least for me) that I found hard to get. And got a lot of quality I looked for someone who's going to be my partner and the mother of my children(though there's always the possibility of not having any due to unforeseen circumstances). Well, that and the fact that I gave up taking the challenge a career, tried and failed miserably in sales. Planned to pursue what I like and make a career of it(I used to like cooking) but got discouraged by the reaction of people around me and gave up that too. And I was ready to report for my first day too. Then leaving a better than average paying job from a consulting since there was no point of working like a machine(now I realized there were: money and the things that I could buy with it). Well, enough of my rambling about my spiraling fall. If I really want to talk about it I would go back as far as when I was about 7 or 8. When for the first time I brought sweet Sunquick to school instead of water. That habit paid of physically. It made me fucking fat. And all the psychological effects of being one. And I'm still trying to get rid of my craving for excessive calorie intake. Of the joy(or rather pain and suffering) from overeating. Well, I can always blame something. Maybe the sweet drink didn't make me fat. Maybe it was me. I dunno. But as afar as I'm concerned that's my history. The long sad story of being fat.
So, back to what I was saying. This 11 days I feel calm. Oh, and melancholic too. I think that I'm more emotionally vulnerable. Thank God that I'm not a hot looking lass nor a good looking guy. Nobody will try to take advantage of me now. I was thinking about calling a friend but then I remembered that writing about something that have strong negative emotional impact is far better than talking it out. It's proven by science. I feel like getting a mate now. Fuck, man. I don't really like the idea of opening up. Plus I may had avoidance personality disorder. Seems correct. I had bad experience making friends, I used to think what'll people will people think about me all the time. I find solace in solitary(though being confined can make me go bonkers sometime). I'm afraid of getting the normal hurt in friendship. I feel very alone even when I'm with people that consider(really) me a close friend; I hope they can feel the real connection that I don't really feel. I also found out that If I went out socializing and went overboard having fun and mixing with people and being cheerful will cause me to have the inverse emotional feeling the next day. Example, I went for my department's family day, hang out with my colleague buddies, having fun for almost 24 hours; I was one of the ad-hoc committee who arrived at the venue a night before not counting the hours of sleeping. The very next day I felt really depressed, angry of what I did and just plain fucking low. I felt like erasing the memory of the day before and thinking what an idiot everyone thought I was. Fuck, that was really screwed.
Back again to what I was saying, looking at old friends blogs and pictures and seeing that they moved on to the normal course of life, moved on made me think. Wait, before that, it was found that seeing other people's status and pictures that make their lives more fun and interesting than oneself my cause the inverse effect. I may be having that effect but I'm pretty sure that everyone moved on with life except me. The idiot little buy who's already outgrows his child clothes but still afraid and not ready to face real world. Fuck, I should've stayed in the safe, familiar confinement of academia. Haish, people getting married, buying a car, start raising kids. Shit, it's not that I never though of those things; I thought deep and hard 'bout it. It's just I AM FUCKINGLY AFRAID. I tried to improve when I was in college but it failed. I tried when I was working for a consulting company and got the same result. I'm fucking afraid. I can't even take control of myself; how am I suppose to be the protector and provider. Shit, if it was a few hundred years back, I would've probably survived teenage years. Or if I do, I might h=just get killed by an attack or be a poor wanderer with no skills and ability to provide for myself. After learning and living for almost 26 years, I think I'm still the same baby that my parents took care of. I have not improved. FUCK!
To be continued after makan.
Shit, my original plan was to get hitched by the end of 2010. I've got everything planned out. Well, sort of. I had the idea whose going to be the not-so-lucky woman, how we'll run the family. And I also was ready to faced hardship;vocationally speaking. I was ready to be one of those overworked and underpaid workers who had the bad luck of choosing IT for a career. I accepted that fact, I was willing to go through it since it seems worth it. Ah, but alas my naivety and false optimism backfired. Things go from bad to worse to everything gets flushed down the toilet kind of shit. I let go of my wanting fro the girl during my last year in university. Seems that she changed. The reason I fell for her in the first place wasn't there anymore. It wasn't her beauty nor was it her smile. It's something special(well, at least for me) that I found hard to get. And got a lot of quality I looked for someone who's going to be my partner and the mother of my children(though there's always the possibility of not having any due to unforeseen circumstances). Well, that and the fact that I gave up taking the challenge a career, tried and failed miserably in sales. Planned to pursue what I like and make a career of it(I used to like cooking) but got discouraged by the reaction of people around me and gave up that too. And I was ready to report for my first day too. Then leaving a better than average paying job from a consulting since there was no point of working like a machine(now I realized there were: money and the things that I could buy with it). Well, enough of my rambling about my spiraling fall. If I really want to talk about it I would go back as far as when I was about 7 or 8. When for the first time I brought sweet Sunquick to school instead of water. That habit paid of physically. It made me fucking fat. And all the psychological effects of being one. And I'm still trying to get rid of my craving for excessive calorie intake. Of the joy(or rather pain and suffering) from overeating. Well, I can always blame something. Maybe the sweet drink didn't make me fat. Maybe it was me. I dunno. But as afar as I'm concerned that's my history. The long sad story of being fat.
So, back to what I was saying. This 11 days I feel calm. Oh, and melancholic too. I think that I'm more emotionally vulnerable. Thank God that I'm not a hot looking lass nor a good looking guy. Nobody will try to take advantage of me now. I was thinking about calling a friend but then I remembered that writing about something that have strong negative emotional impact is far better than talking it out. It's proven by science. I feel like getting a mate now. Fuck, man. I don't really like the idea of opening up. Plus I may had avoidance personality disorder. Seems correct. I had bad experience making friends, I used to think what'll people will people think about me all the time. I find solace in solitary(though being confined can make me go bonkers sometime). I'm afraid of getting the normal hurt in friendship. I feel very alone even when I'm with people that consider(really) me a close friend; I hope they can feel the real connection that I don't really feel. I also found out that If I went out socializing and went overboard having fun and mixing with people and being cheerful will cause me to have the inverse emotional feeling the next day. Example, I went for my department's family day, hang out with my colleague buddies, having fun for almost 24 hours; I was one of the ad-hoc committee who arrived at the venue a night before not counting the hours of sleeping. The very next day I felt really depressed, angry of what I did and just plain fucking low. I felt like erasing the memory of the day before and thinking what an idiot everyone thought I was. Fuck, that was really screwed.
Back again to what I was saying, looking at old friends blogs and pictures and seeing that they moved on to the normal course of life, moved on made me think. Wait, before that, it was found that seeing other people's status and pictures that make their lives more fun and interesting than oneself my cause the inverse effect. I may be having that effect but I'm pretty sure that everyone moved on with life except me. The idiot little buy who's already outgrows his child clothes but still afraid and not ready to face real world. Fuck, I should've stayed in the safe, familiar confinement of academia. Haish, people getting married, buying a car, start raising kids. Shit, it's not that I never though of those things; I thought deep and hard 'bout it. It's just I AM FUCKINGLY AFRAID. I tried to improve when I was in college but it failed. I tried when I was working for a consulting company and got the same result. I'm fucking afraid. I can't even take control of myself; how am I suppose to be the protector and provider. Shit, if it was a few hundred years back, I would've probably survived teenage years. Or if I do, I might h=just get killed by an attack or be a poor wanderer with no skills and ability to provide for myself. After learning and living for almost 26 years, I think I'm still the same baby that my parents took care of. I have not improved. FUCK!
To be continued after makan.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
What The Heck
Now I really regret not setting aside some money every month since I started working earlier this year. If only.. if only. Shit if only I have the money I've already move out from this bunch of fuckers. Not all of my housemate are MOFOs but from the two assholes, I deduce that one is a cheap bastard and the other one is a pig; loud, makes a lot of unnecessary noise, fucking coward and doesn't clean his own shit!
The first of the MOFOs is mostly a average to slightly over average paid engineer working for national company digging the earth's gut for black liquid. He doesn't rent a room, no but fucking stays in the living room. At first it was okay, even when he uses the ironing board to put his bath towel on(for fuck sake, you can hang your bloody damp towel at the balcony, you fuck nut!) I have no concern having someone eating, sleeping, watching tv, changing clothes, hang clothes in a plastic and cloth wardrobe in the living room since I am rarely in the living room, only passing by on my way out of the house. Heck, I even let the fact about his habit of setting his alarm clock fucking loud early in the morning only to wake up after about 30 fucking minutes without bothering to hit the snooze button. To add to the shit list, he lets the fucking alarm goes on and stops for a few minutes and goes on not until he fucking wakes up, but let the alarm goes on until he is done showering or after he gets ready. Fucking idiot! If you know you're going to wake up late don't set the alarm earlier than you should. It's really disturbing and makes me want to commit homicide. I fancy picking up that fucking phone you use as alarm and toss it out from the balcony and see it fall and break. Then I'll smash your face with a hammer and kick you a few times and at the same time yell at you about what you did and how it pissed me almost every single work day morning. I won't stop until you get it into that thick stingy skull of yours. Babi sial, tak nak bangun awal jangan set alarm. Dah kalau set alarm, jangan sampai satu rumah boleh dengar. And please have some common sense to turn the snooze on you fucking moron! Sesia jadi jurutera tapi tak boleh berfikir dengan rasional. Apa guna bertahun belajar teknikal. Adakah kau hanya boleh berfikir dengan rasional sewaktu melakukan kerja2 teknikal sahaja?! Bodoh macam haram! I can't think how he can continue sleeping even after the alarm went off. Sometimes it seems that he's awake but hesitating to wake up, but how can he stand the alarm clock? Stupid motherfucker! Maybe because the lack of sex and bottled up semen(since he's married and not living with his spouse) makes him an idiot. Man, talk about what blueballs do to you. Oh, maybe he thinks that's all cool since he's not around on weekends. Fuck you, idiot! I need rest as much as you do and you disturb my sleep almost every fucking workday morning, you bastard! I hope you got into an accident that leaves you paraplegic, forcing you to stay somewhere else.
There's another shitty things he did just now. First, he brought a dude(friend/relative, I don't know and I don't fucking care). But just now he asked me to remove my clothes hanger outside of my room to make room for that dude's plastic+fabric wardrobe. Shit! This can't be real. Three fucking pigs at the living room every single minute of non-working time. Okay, I admit I once squatted at the living room for almost three months but I fucking paid rent and I moved into a room in the house as soon as it was available. I didn't fucking have my wardrobe out in the fucking living room. Now there'll be four people sharing one bath/toilet; good luck guys! Yes, I know maybe the dude might be just starting to work and needs a place to stay, so here's the situation. MOFO1 is too stingy to even rent a room rented(does he?!) the fucking living room. Now, even if you're only here on weekdays and always have to go outstation, your stuff is still out there in the living room even when you're not there. The fact that you're being an average/above average paid engineer shows that a few hundred bucks a month won't kill you. If it DOES kill you, than screw you! Maybe you want to save a few Ringgit since you're a father now(fuck, he doesn't even raise his own child (son?daughter?) how does he get away with that?) doesn't give you the luxury of being an asshole. Fuck dah la kedekut nak keluar duit sewa setakat BILIK pun, pastu boleh bawak orang lain join! Yes, bagus, macam gampang! Kalau kau dah ada bilik sendiri at least boleh la korang berkongsi bilik, jangan le sebab ko kenal lama dengan ketua rumah kau buat rumah ni jadi macam kau punya pulak. Setan sial, dah la kedekut menyusahkan orang pulak. Susah betul bila orang ada duit tapi berkira. Kalau ko ada bilik, at least kau boleh simpan banyak sikit barang; takde la semak mata balik kerja tengok kau dok melangut depan tv macam zombie jer.
Now, the partner in crime, MOFO2. He seems like his only friend in this hose is MOFO1. He seems, um fuck let me get this straight! He seems like a wife to MOFO1. I don't mean wife as being fucked by the other one or performing any sexual act with him. I mean in a way that he seems willing to go far to ensure MOFO1 is close(in friends term) with him. What the hell is wrong with this PIG?! With other people he dare to ridicule, joke, make fun, belittle, argue but fuck, with MOFO1 he doesn't even seem dare to argue anything. Seems like a hopeless romantic guy with unrequited love; only love here is friendship and the other person have the same sex organ. Macam dah jadi bitch MOFO1 dah. Once a former housemate told me he declined going out for a movie because he knows MOFO1 will be back from outstation in a few days and haven't watched that particular movie yet. WTF??? Sounds desperate for a friend(or for an ally?). Fuck, I think he would even give MOFO1 a blowjob if the latter asked. Dah la tidur pun nak sekali kat luar(I can't figure out why; whether his room is hot/uncomfortable; or he's a fucking coward to sleep alone; he's too emotionally dependent on MOFO1 and needs a friend or someone who acknowledges his existence all the time; or he's a closet gay(heck, he once hugged from behind when I was sleeping outside(whether he's asleep too is still a mystery until today, a mystery I never want to know the answer) until I shove him back)). Since MOFO2 sleeps in the living room, he only uses his room as a changing room/personal storage room. What la, nak berkawan sampai nak berkepit. Apa kata ko bawak MOFO1 dalam bilik ko pastu bagi dia blowjob takpun sua je bontot kau tu! Babi sial!
Now, IF, IF, IF both the MOFOs sleep in their room the worst case is new dude is the only one sleeps in the living room and his wardrobe is outside. That's better than having 3 people when at home staring at the tv all the time. Macam takde makna je hidup. Dah la pagi2 dah bukak tv. Sial loser. Ya, loser kerana hidup tak bermakna. Aku walaupun tak reti bersosial, agak sadistic dan takde life takde la aku nak melahut depan tv je macam orang bodoh. Walaupun aku pernakhmenumpang tengok tv ketua rumah(aku tau, Astro korang bayar) aku tengok sebelum aku ada PC je. Mungkin aku berbunyi agak houlier than thou, but that's the fact. All you guys do at home is stare at the fucking box. Aku buang fius plug satellite tv decore kang baru padan! Aku nak je tengok company tv charge lagi mahal! Ambik kau ubat! Tahu tengok tv je. Kalau tengok tu menyerap maklumat takpe gak, ni dok melayan drama/movie setiap malam ada kat umah. Gila ke! Makan, tido, tengok tv semua kat ruang tamu, memang shit sial! Kau mungkin rasa winrar sebab boleh berbabi(bergolek sepanjang hari kat satu tempat tanpa perlu bergerak jauh untuk perkara2 lain) kat ruang tamu, tapi please, kamu hanya menyemak! Semak mata tengok tilam tak reti kemas! Walaupun aku selekeh, aku had kan pada personal space aku sahaja. Aku takde la bangang sampai berkubang kat common areas. Dah la MOFO2 ni, ah malas lah nak tulis panjang2 pasal MOFO2.
Urgh, writing really helps. I don't feel the urge to vomit all the toxic above to anyone much now. Yup, kumpul dalam 2k + beli motor pastu pindah. Kali ni aku plak jadi ketua rumah! Rule penting: bayar sewa on time dan jangan jahanamkan rumah. Guna OTAK! Jangan jadi bodoh! At least semua kena tahu kalau ko nak bawak orang tinggal dalam rumah dalam jangka masa agak panjang. Jangan la sebab aku tak rapat ko tak bagitau! Bodoh, aku bayar sewa jugak!(Khas ditujukan kepada MOFO1). Oh, mesti tak berkira pelik2 dan jangan buat rules sendiri tanpa rasional(tak boleh gantung baju la, tak boleh letak barang atas fridge laaa(last2 orang lain letak jugak kan, bodoh! Bodoh tak boleh terima rasional))(Khas buat MOFO2 dengan harapan semoga satu hari nanti aku dapat sepak muka kau sampai pecah).
The first of the MOFOs is mostly a average to slightly over average paid engineer working for national company digging the earth's gut for black liquid. He doesn't rent a room, no but fucking stays in the living room. At first it was okay, even when he uses the ironing board to put his bath towel on(for fuck sake, you can hang your bloody damp towel at the balcony, you fuck nut!) I have no concern having someone eating, sleeping, watching tv, changing clothes, hang clothes in a plastic and cloth wardrobe in the living room since I am rarely in the living room, only passing by on my way out of the house. Heck, I even let the fact about his habit of setting his alarm clock fucking loud early in the morning only to wake up after about 30 fucking minutes without bothering to hit the snooze button. To add to the shit list, he lets the fucking alarm goes on and stops for a few minutes and goes on not until he fucking wakes up, but let the alarm goes on until he is done showering or after he gets ready. Fucking idiot! If you know you're going to wake up late don't set the alarm earlier than you should. It's really disturbing and makes me want to commit homicide. I fancy picking up that fucking phone you use as alarm and toss it out from the balcony and see it fall and break. Then I'll smash your face with a hammer and kick you a few times and at the same time yell at you about what you did and how it pissed me almost every single work day morning. I won't stop until you get it into that thick stingy skull of yours. Babi sial, tak nak bangun awal jangan set alarm. Dah kalau set alarm, jangan sampai satu rumah boleh dengar. And please have some common sense to turn the snooze on you fucking moron! Sesia jadi jurutera tapi tak boleh berfikir dengan rasional. Apa guna bertahun belajar teknikal. Adakah kau hanya boleh berfikir dengan rasional sewaktu melakukan kerja2 teknikal sahaja?! Bodoh macam haram! I can't think how he can continue sleeping even after the alarm went off. Sometimes it seems that he's awake but hesitating to wake up, but how can he stand the alarm clock? Stupid motherfucker! Maybe because the lack of sex and bottled up semen(since he's married and not living with his spouse) makes him an idiot. Man, talk about what blueballs do to you. Oh, maybe he thinks that's all cool since he's not around on weekends. Fuck you, idiot! I need rest as much as you do and you disturb my sleep almost every fucking workday morning, you bastard! I hope you got into an accident that leaves you paraplegic, forcing you to stay somewhere else.
There's another shitty things he did just now. First, he brought a dude(friend/relative, I don't know and I don't fucking care). But just now he asked me to remove my clothes hanger outside of my room to make room for that dude's plastic+fabric wardrobe. Shit! This can't be real. Three fucking pigs at the living room every single minute of non-working time. Okay, I admit I once squatted at the living room for almost three months but I fucking paid rent and I moved into a room in the house as soon as it was available. I didn't fucking have my wardrobe out in the fucking living room. Now there'll be four people sharing one bath/toilet; good luck guys! Yes, I know maybe the dude might be just starting to work and needs a place to stay, so here's the situation. MOFO1 is too stingy to even rent a room rented(does he?!) the fucking living room. Now, even if you're only here on weekdays and always have to go outstation, your stuff is still out there in the living room even when you're not there. The fact that you're being an average/above average paid engineer shows that a few hundred bucks a month won't kill you. If it DOES kill you, than screw you! Maybe you want to save a few Ringgit since you're a father now(fuck, he doesn't even raise his own child (son?daughter?) how does he get away with that?) doesn't give you the luxury of being an asshole. Fuck dah la kedekut nak keluar duit sewa setakat BILIK pun, pastu boleh bawak orang lain join! Yes, bagus, macam gampang! Kalau kau dah ada bilik sendiri at least boleh la korang berkongsi bilik, jangan le sebab ko kenal lama dengan ketua rumah kau buat rumah ni jadi macam kau punya pulak. Setan sial, dah la kedekut menyusahkan orang pulak. Susah betul bila orang ada duit tapi berkira. Kalau ko ada bilik, at least kau boleh simpan banyak sikit barang; takde la semak mata balik kerja tengok kau dok melangut depan tv macam zombie jer.
Now, the partner in crime, MOFO2. He seems like his only friend in this hose is MOFO1. He seems, um fuck let me get this straight! He seems like a wife to MOFO1. I don't mean wife as being fucked by the other one or performing any sexual act with him. I mean in a way that he seems willing to go far to ensure MOFO1 is close(in friends term) with him. What the hell is wrong with this PIG?! With other people he dare to ridicule, joke, make fun, belittle, argue but fuck, with MOFO1 he doesn't even seem dare to argue anything. Seems like a hopeless romantic guy with unrequited love; only love here is friendship and the other person have the same sex organ. Macam dah jadi bitch MOFO1 dah. Once a former housemate told me he declined going out for a movie because he knows MOFO1 will be back from outstation in a few days and haven't watched that particular movie yet. WTF??? Sounds desperate for a friend(or for an ally?). Fuck, I think he would even give MOFO1 a blowjob if the latter asked. Dah la tidur pun nak sekali kat luar(I can't figure out why; whether his room is hot/uncomfortable; or he's a fucking coward to sleep alone; he's too emotionally dependent on MOFO1 and needs a friend or someone who acknowledges his existence all the time; or he's a closet gay(heck, he once hugged from behind when I was sleeping outside(whether he's asleep too is still a mystery until today, a mystery I never want to know the answer) until I shove him back)). Since MOFO2 sleeps in the living room, he only uses his room as a changing room/personal storage room. What la, nak berkawan sampai nak berkepit. Apa kata ko bawak MOFO1 dalam bilik ko pastu bagi dia blowjob takpun sua je bontot kau tu! Babi sial!
Now, IF, IF, IF both the MOFOs sleep in their room the worst case is new dude is the only one sleeps in the living room and his wardrobe is outside. That's better than having 3 people when at home staring at the tv all the time. Macam takde makna je hidup. Dah la pagi2 dah bukak tv. Sial loser. Ya, loser kerana hidup tak bermakna. Aku walaupun tak reti bersosial, agak sadistic dan takde life takde la aku nak melahut depan tv je macam orang bodoh. Walaupun aku pernakhmenumpang tengok tv ketua rumah(aku tau, Astro korang bayar) aku tengok sebelum aku ada PC je. Mungkin aku berbunyi agak houlier than thou, but that's the fact. All you guys do at home is stare at the fucking box. Aku buang fius plug satellite tv decore kang baru padan! Aku nak je tengok company tv charge lagi mahal! Ambik kau ubat! Tahu tengok tv je. Kalau tengok tu menyerap maklumat takpe gak, ni dok melayan drama/movie setiap malam ada kat umah. Gila ke! Makan, tido, tengok tv semua kat ruang tamu, memang shit sial! Kau mungkin rasa winrar sebab boleh berbabi(bergolek sepanjang hari kat satu tempat tanpa perlu bergerak jauh untuk perkara2 lain) kat ruang tamu, tapi please, kamu hanya menyemak! Semak mata tengok tilam tak reti kemas! Walaupun aku selekeh, aku had kan pada personal space aku sahaja. Aku takde la bangang sampai berkubang kat common areas. Dah la MOFO2 ni, ah malas lah nak tulis panjang2 pasal MOFO2.
Urgh, writing really helps. I don't feel the urge to vomit all the toxic above to anyone much now. Yup, kumpul dalam 2k + beli motor pastu pindah. Kali ni aku plak jadi ketua rumah! Rule penting: bayar sewa on time dan jangan jahanamkan rumah. Guna OTAK! Jangan jadi bodoh! At least semua kena tahu kalau ko nak bawak orang tinggal dalam rumah dalam jangka masa agak panjang. Jangan la sebab aku tak rapat ko tak bagitau! Bodoh, aku bayar sewa jugak!(Khas ditujukan kepada MOFO1). Oh, mesti tak berkira pelik2 dan jangan buat rules sendiri tanpa rasional(tak boleh gantung baju la, tak boleh letak barang atas fridge laaa(last2 orang lain letak jugak kan, bodoh! Bodoh tak boleh terima rasional))(Khas buat MOFO2 dengan harapan semoga satu hari nanti aku dapat sepak muka kau sampai pecah).
Monday, August 1, 2011
This Time Round
Today is the first of Ramadhan of 1432H. It reminds me that it has been just a little over 3 years since I finished my studies. I don't count time from my graduation since I chose to grad one year late for a not so good reason. Looking back, in these 3 years++ a lot of things has happen to me(yes, this post is all about me) but nothing changed. I mean, nothing about me has changed. More accurately, there is lack of improvement in my life and myself than one would usually expect to see from someone who managed to graduate with a decent degree. A few things has gotten worse; I can go on an on to list them and follow the depressing and melancholy theme of this blog or I can take it like a man and do something about it.
As I was walking to somewhere I don't really remember yesterday(or was it the day before?) I began to ponder about my life after graduation and of course comparing it with other friends/acquaintance/people around me who graduate around the same time. Some have even bought a house, a lot are married, most of them seem to be on good career track - having experience and all that shit that you get when you work the same job for some times; others seem to enjoy their lives; living like they've always wanted, following their hearts desire. Oh, most of them have their own personal vehicle and seem to be sensible with their money and manage to save!
Me? What about me? Well jumping into sales didn't really helped much. My interpersonal skills still suck and I can't even think of speaking publicly at work, even though I can BS pretty good around my friends(maybe these two aren't related). Before foraying into sales I was ready to embrace the fact that people int the same industry as I was studying are generally overworked and underpaid. Long hours, lack of respect, looked down and poor paycheck was what I heard. It wasn't really nice but hey, I've got my degree and going to other field doesn't really seems good since I lacked money, time and skills to change field. At least the fast overburden will teach me the technical skills I need and harden my will. But sales made me let myself delude in a lot of my own fantasy. I was chasing "dream" and shit like that while neglecting my technical skills that I've worked for years to obtain, albeit not very good, but the willingness was there. Long story short, looking back going into sales and generally how I handled the realization of my dream during college was useless, wrong and dangerous screwed my really hard.
The iron cage which I painfully built to contain my weak heart so it won't get in the way was shattered. Now I don't really use my rational thinking and blind will anymore; I'm unable to do that anymore. Now I just do whatever I want without having any goal. Shit, if. If . If. If. Ah no use thinking about the alternate path since the time has passed but only to delude myself from reality. Speaking of plan, since I'm WAY off my original plan, now I don't really see what I'm going to do / to be in a few years. Fuck that! All I want to do is up my technical skills and work my way for ten years walking the path of the great. I may not be great, but I can overcome my mediocrity.
Oh, the fact that I met a secondary school mate last week doesn't really help. It almost throws me into a depressive spiral, luckily the encounter was brief and I was out with my colleagues. That really helped.
Now that my sweat is all dried it's time to take a shower. Doing some exercise really feels good. The KB training is really something. I realized that I'm still a newbie. I haven't even mastered the basic moves yet. But in a few months, I will master them. And I will move up to heavier weight.
As I was walking to somewhere I don't really remember yesterday(or was it the day before?) I began to ponder about my life after graduation and of course comparing it with other friends/acquaintance/people around me who graduate around the same time. Some have even bought a house, a lot are married, most of them seem to be on good career track - having experience and all that shit that you get when you work the same job for some times; others seem to enjoy their lives; living like they've always wanted, following their hearts desire. Oh, most of them have their own personal vehicle and seem to be sensible with their money and manage to save!
Me? What about me? Well jumping into sales didn't really helped much. My interpersonal skills still suck and I can't even think of speaking publicly at work, even though I can BS pretty good around my friends(maybe these two aren't related). Before foraying into sales I was ready to embrace the fact that people int the same industry as I was studying are generally overworked and underpaid. Long hours, lack of respect, looked down and poor paycheck was what I heard. It wasn't really nice but hey, I've got my degree and going to other field doesn't really seems good since I lacked money, time and skills to change field. At least the fast overburden will teach me the technical skills I need and harden my will. But sales made me let myself delude in a lot of my own fantasy. I was chasing "dream" and shit like that while neglecting my technical skills that I've worked for years to obtain, albeit not very good, but the willingness was there. Long story short, looking back going into sales and generally how I handled the realization of my dream during college was useless, wrong and dangerous screwed my really hard.
The iron cage which I painfully built to contain my weak heart so it won't get in the way was shattered. Now I don't really use my rational thinking and blind will anymore; I'm unable to do that anymore. Now I just do whatever I want without having any goal. Shit, if. If . If. If. Ah no use thinking about the alternate path since the time has passed but only to delude myself from reality. Speaking of plan, since I'm WAY off my original plan, now I don't really see what I'm going to do / to be in a few years. Fuck that! All I want to do is up my technical skills and work my way for ten years walking the path of the great. I may not be great, but I can overcome my mediocrity.
Oh, the fact that I met a secondary school mate last week doesn't really help. It almost throws me into a depressive spiral, luckily the encounter was brief and I was out with my colleagues. That really helped.
Now that my sweat is all dried it's time to take a shower. Doing some exercise really feels good. The KB training is really something. I realized that I'm still a newbie. I haven't even mastered the basic moves yet. But in a few months, I will master them. And I will move up to heavier weight.
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