These Past Few Days

The past few days' events made me fucking depressed. I suffered frequently from:

• TV in my head - a condition where I have "khayalan" in my head which was hard to control even though usually I'm able to control it.
• Dilated pupils and "blurred" mind and inability to focus - I will be fucking staring at nothing, it would seems like I was looking at something far away. This usually happens during breaks and I hope I don't appear as a crackhead. Plus it was hard for me to focus my view. Fuck!
• Freaking depressed. I want to quit my job. My inside sort of cried and the projection I made in my head was fucking scary. I suspect being around politically correct people talking and acting politically correct and their talking about fucking work policy caused the depression.

To add to those I was also bombarded with:

• Anecdotal evidence used as proof. Did they fucking failed Statistics 101.
• Random words that sounds good and "deep" used as truth without rational.
• idolatry of people in position of power. Random words sputtered from their mouths used as gospel. Fuck!
• Pseudo-thinkers - Using random words that sounds good as truth.
• Pseudo-philosophers - Yapping shallow and non-logical "philosophy".
• Fucking jargons used out of context.
• Positivism ideas.
• Religion twisted to make people obey without thinking.
• Fucking brain washing.
• Necessity mistaken to be causality.

Darn, reading Nassim Taleb really gave me a new perspective. I feel like losing my mind(seriously) and forgive I want to go pig out unhealthy food now; that's how I cope with these kinds of things.

Idiotic Me

This is how I feel now:

This is the generator of things to describe me:

These past few days has been fucking hard for me. I hope you are gone from my life. I never know that even without seeing or having any kind of communication for years I still have the same feelings for you, albeit not as crazily intense as before, but enough to throw a spanner in the wheel of my daily life. I hope you get married ASAP. I hope somebody takes you as his. I hope you are gone forever from my life. I am not blaming you. It's just me; I have very hard time to forget anything that I want. Now that you are still available, I hope you fucking change so that you are out of my league. Now that I'm penniless and stuck in a dead end job I hope that our paths will never cross ever again.

I do not put any blame on you. I almost wrote fucking poetry for you; the words were in my head, only I restrained myself from doing something fucking stupid. All I want is to be me. To be with you I have to fucking change.

Same Old, Same Old

Now it seems to me that I'm having the same shitty situation that had happened a few years back in university. I don't suppose it'll be easy to manage the problem this time given that now I'm working and am obligated to execute all my tasks and more important than that is I need to show up every working day. Back then if I was feeling shitty or lemau I can just ditch class. Heck I even ditched class just because I only needed yo attend minimum 80% of the class. Hey, I was just using the opportunity to sleep longer and relax. But from my past experience and assuming that this time around it follows the same pattern(I really hope no black swans), if I could just hang on for a few days/weeks things will turn out all right and looking back I had always seen myself as mengada-ngada.

Seems that the condition now is not that bad(as for now) because I feel my blood pressure is still not as high as before and I can still carry out my daily chores. I haven't reach to the point where I have to lay in bed all day long a.k.a. lemau. Let's work hard to overcome this obstacle, myself! Or at least find a distraction like what we(why am I referring to myself as we?!) did in university: study hard, exercise and all that shit until I run out of energy to be bothered by the problem anymore at the end of each day. Oh, that caused my burned out, darn I need to do it properly this time. Hahahaha!


I don't know why but nowadays after 2 a.m. if I'm not asleep and if I'm tired, there'll be a part of me wanting to scare the shit out of me by imagining all sort of things. Maybe because of the tiredness maybe because of the lack of control at that time or maybe some other reasons. I found this really annoying because I have to reason with a part of me inside my own head. So far I'm safe because it(that some part of me) knowledge and reason limit is the same as mine. I wonder what will happen if I started reading or thinking when I'm asleep and that part of me gaining more knowledge and gets better in arguing? I would most probably be so scared every night that it could cripple me. What if that part of me is planning to win by running in the background, learning and thinking while I'm doing something else? Man, that'll be one big problem.

I read somewhere that children have more livid dreams than adult. I noticed that for a few years, I haven't been able to really see my dreams clearly. I still remember one or two livid dreams that I had as a child. To my surprise playing Sudoku helped me to sleep better by having more clearer dreams, But it only lasted only for a short while. Maybe because now I don't really play as hard as i did a few months back. Now I just look at it and if I can, then I'll solve it. Not as before where I really think how to solve it. Urghhh my attention span needs polishing.

Adios~

The Not Very Expected Event

Currently I'm being affected by a chemical reaction that rarely happens to me and makes me do foolish thing. I suspected it was sparked by a gesture of the lips made earlier by the person who sat opposite my direction across the meeting room last week. Darn! Need to focus!

Rasa

Feelings, talking 'bout feelings. That was a line from a song if I'm not mistaken. Anyway, what are actually feelings? From science POV, they are the result of chemical reactions happening in our body mostly in the brain region. So, what about emotions that it became an integral part(assumption) in our daily lives?

It's been proven that when we "attach" some feeling to certain facts it'll be easier to remember and recall. Our brain uses the emotion tagged to our experience to recall it out. Hmmmm no wonder from my limited observation I found that people who are easier to be fascinated by what they read/learn can better store the details and recall them out later. It's been a long time since I've been amazed by what I read. Most of the time if I read, I don't really remember the small details, instead I get a "feeling" of the article. I sort of "grasp" it but not remember the details that makes it more clear. Man, I suck at reading and at doing things. How am I suppose to be a contributive member of the society by doing my part generating the economy?


For the past few post I've always mention about work, money and life as it is. Probably because the fact that currently I've only less that RM300 for the rest of this month; hoping that Celcom will send my check for the broadband I terminated by this week; owning no personal mode of transport: no car and my moped is nowhere to be found(lucky I'm not required by my employer to travel); still squattering at my friends' house, even when they don't mind, I feel like a burden. Plus I'm not paying any rent since I'll only get my first paycheck end of next month. Ah, bodoh betul aku ni.

I don't really feel writing much today. Writing about money really makes me depressed. Aku ni haram jadah sial, xde duit pun nak runsing, memang ketagih duit. So, bye-bye for now.