I had the idea of making this post in my native tongue earlier. That changed after I logged into blogger and now, I'm writing(technically typing) in English. I realized last night(or was it earlier) that I had not been posting for quite some times. I don't really know the real duration, can't be bothered to check when actually I posted last. I thought about it to myself and think maybe that's because I'm not really angry at the moment; maybe things are going fine; maybe I'm not that depressed or tension; maybe I have found things to occupy my time and mind. Well, I don't want to bother myself more writing about that, now I'll update what had happened for the past few, hmmm let's see how this post will go. I'll go chronologically backward; latest past few days update to past few weeks to maybe a month or two backwards after that.
Latest update: just returned from the clinic and got bad news and good news. The bad news is my slight difficulty in breathing and intermittent chest pain is caused by my smoking habit that has damaged my lungs. The doctor said it's irreversible(I want to search if that's possible) and the way to determine the level of damage is by doing an x-ray. Darn, I quit smoking, started exercising and lose weight and only now the bad habit comes back and bite me on my respiratory system. Maybe I should increase my exercise intensity, frequency and duration to make my lungs and heart work more and get stronger. And maybe, just maybe, to cope with all that workout my lungs will repair itself. Now, the good news is I don't have heart problem; I was worried I might have cardiovascular disease after checking the internet about my symptoms and that sent chills down my spine. So all in all I'm in good(or at least okay) condition. I'm going to exercise harder!!!
Not so latest update: I didn't go back to my grandma's for Eid again this year; the second consecutive year, and if I'm not mistaken the third time in my life. The first was in 2007 when I was still in university. I don't really missed the celebration that much, since personally I think celebrating the victory of self control and discipline for a month by blowing your budget and uncontrolled eating seems contradictory. It's akin to binge eating after a successful diet. Since I can't be the only one not celebrating like mad(at least where I usually celebrate Eid) I decided to stay at my rented room in KL. Well I have other personal reasons not to go back for Eid; I don't really like being at other people's house; add to that the hierarchy structure of family and relatives. I have no problem with that, well I actually don't like it but I can fairly tolerate that, but what ticks me off is how the structure is being abused. Not all are like this, but I'm talking about those who does. Older people seems to act similar to seniors in high school; like assholes. They expect to be obeyed, to be answered to and not getting talked back at. Fuck that, I'm a human being and I shall voice out what I think and what I feel if you happen to piss me off. Well, add to that the fact that I don't really want to embarrass my parents in front of their relatives by being myself and the fact that I have no car, so I have to follow wherever they go to; pretty good mixture of reasons to not going back. The only relative who calls me was my cousin, I was very afraid he would ask why I hadn't come back I faked not being able to hear him over the phone to avoid any conversation. From the background noise I could tell that he was outside. I could understand how he feels, but I'm deeply sorry I can't be the nice older cousin. He text me a few seconds later saying he just wants to wish me a good Eid. I text him saying the same and luckily it ended there.
During the Eid holidays I familiarized myself with random chatting, especially in Omegle and iMeetzu. It's sausage fest there, no more accurately hard on sausage fest; full of guys who wants to cyber. I developed a liking in trolling those kind of people; by pretending to be a female. How it goes depends on my mood. This gives me the pleasure of laughing and using harsh words at strangers who I don't even know. It's perverse, and I was acting as if I am a better person. But I enjoy very much making fun of them. Maybe that's unhealthy but at least I get to let off some steam. Once in a while I would find decent conversation; the gem of this new hobby. Mostly talking about music, movies and life as a whole, I met very interesting people this way. Once I even talked with a stranger about parenthood, hahahahhahah! Maybe this is the reason I'm not depressed or tension or bored anymore; human interactions without the usual discomfort of face-to-face encounters. Thank you to all of the people who made this possible.
Work seems to be a bit worse. I recently coded very little and starting to doubt my first design. I was thinking of stripping all of the fancy stuff and made the requested application system as bare as possible. I hope I can finish it this month.
I'm feeling lazy now to write more, hopefully the quality of my writings made up for it. Adios~
