Same Shit Again

Aku masih terasa marah itu. Marah yang telah aku lupakan sebentar semasa menonton di panggung tadi. Di panggung tadi dewannya lengang. Mungkin kerana hari ini hari bekerja, mungkin kerana tidak ramai yang mengetahui perihal cerita yang aku tonton tadi, mungkin juga kebetulan orang tidak ramai kerana sebab-sebab lain. Itu aku tidak pasti; yang pasti aku amat seronok kerana dapat duduk dengan selesa menonton dan boleh keluar ke bilik air tanpa menyukarkan ramai orang. Melencong pula aku kali ini. Berbalik kepada sebab aku membuka cerita kali ini. Kepada perasaan marah yang timbul di tempat kerja. Marah akibat tidak dapat menahan karenah manusia sekerja. Marah kerana masa terbuang memikirkan perkara yang tidak perlu difikirkan dan marah kerana masa dibazirkan membincangkan tiada apa-apa.

Punca utama aku marah merupakan suatu perkara kecil. Sekumpulan pekerja menghadapi kesulitan melayani ketua mereka. Mereka tidak menyukai ketua mereka. Lantas pada satu mesyuarat yang telah lalu beberapa bulan sebelum ini ada wakil mereka telah hijack mesyuarat tersebut lantas menimbulkan isu penstrukturan semula organisasi peringkat cawangan yang melibatkan unit di mana aku berada serta unit mereka. Bukan sahaja tujuan asal mesyuarat telah terpesong, malah mereka telah mengeheret kami bersama untuk membincangkan perkara tersebut. Sungguh membuang masa kerana tiada sebab penstrukturan semula perlu dilakukan. Jika mereka ada masalah dengan ketua mereka seharusnya menyelesaikannya sendiri seperti orang dewasa. Bukan dengan menggunakan cara passive aggressive menjual ayat mahu penstrukturan semula walhal niat sebenar tidak mahu lagi berada di bawah ketua mereka. Nah, masalah mereka telah menyusahkan lagi beberepa belas orang yang tiada kaitan secara percuma. Seperti jualan murah: beli satu percuma satu.

Pada lewat tengah hari tadi sampai satu panggilan mesyuarat. Rentetan kepada mesyuarat-mesyuarat yang telah menetas akibat perbuatan meeting hijack  yang dilakukan oleh sekumpulan makcik. Ya, sekumpulan makcik yang kini wajah, hatta nama mereka sekalipun mendatangkan perasaan marah dan jengkel dalam hati ini. Merugikan wear and tear emosi aku sahaja. Aku tidak menyertai mesyuarat tersebut kerana diarahkan untuk menghadiri suatu perbincangan yang tidak membincangkan apa-apa. Bagus, aku tidak perlu turut serta membuang masa membuat tiada apa-apa. Lebih kurang tamat waktu kerja rasmiku, seorang rakan sekerja membawa khabar tidak baik: dilihatnya berlaku ketidakadilan dan juga kesilapan dalam data hasil perbincangan yang masih berlangsung itu. Dia menyarankan kami masuk bagi membetulkan kesilapan kecil itu serta mengelakkan ketidakadilan kecil itu menjadi lebih besar.

Intipati apa yang aku lalui dalam mesyuarat tersebut:

• Masih membincangkan perkara yang sama, cuma ayat yang berlainan.
• Aku dapat mengenali beberapa makhluk yang bersemangat dalam hal ini.
• Makcik-makcik tersebut amat amat amat aku marah. Kalau mereka itu lelaki mungkin lebih baik. Boleh terus bergaduh.
• Mereka mengadakan mesyuarat ini aku kira untuk membuat satu maneuver bagi meneruskan agenda penstrukturan semula agar mereka tidak perlu duduk di bawah ketua mereka sekarang.
• Seperti mantera, 'SISBIL' diulang berkali-kali, menjadi modal bagi mereka meremehkan kerja orang lain, seolah-olah 'SISBIL' itu adalah perkara paling besar dalam sejarah tamadun manusia selepas roti yang dihiris.

Mahu sahaja aku menjerit kepada mereka supaya berkata apa yang mereka smahu sebenar-benarnya daripada mesyuarat tersebut. Senang, terus hadapi masalah secara terus. Buang masa dan tenaga melayan makcik-makcik kepoh. Dah menetap di bandar bertahun-tahun tetapi kekolotan tidak dapat berterus terang masih tegar.

Ada sahaja sebab untuk aku marah. Pergi mampuslah dengan makcik dua ekor serta monyet bergusi besar yang sibuk mengekori mereka itu. Pakai tudung labuh tapi perangai macam cibai. FUCK OFF!!!!

Tahniah!!!

Sebelum ini aku dah menulis tentang rakanku yang baru sahaja berkahwin. Kali ini aku akan menulis sesuatu yang ada kena mengena dengan perkara itu tetapi bukan perkahwinan itu. Bukan sama sekali. Dikala ramai orang sedang bersemangat menyokong pasukan negara menentang pasukan jiran dalam acara bola sepak sempena temasya sukan rantau Asia Tenggara, aku akan menggunakan masa ini untuk menulis. Ada dua lagi perkara yang aku harap dapat dilakukan pada malam ini. Pertamanya bersenam; sementera menunggu perutku lega selepas makan malam jam kurang lebih 7.45 malam tadi, aku bercadang untuk menulis. Perkara kedua pula menyambung kerja yang telah aku bawa dari pejabat. Mujur ianya kerja berkaitan pengaturcaraan,bukannya dokumen. Pembukaanku kali ini jauh lebih pendek daripada biasa; mungkin ianya permulaan sesuatu yang baru atau hanya kebetulan kerana aku kekurangan idea dan emosi pada malam ini.

Semasa aku berada dalam perut LRT dalam perjalanan pulang dari pejabat, aku telah megimbau sedikit memori bersama rakanku yang baru sahaja megikat janji. Walaupun waktu perkenalan beberapa tahun yang lalu, tetapi dalam masa yang singkat pelbagai suka duka(kebanyakannya suka-suka dan gila-gila) telah kami rasa bersama. Apa yang lebih aku rasa ialah kehilangan. Kehilangan seorang rakan. Ah, bagiku kini dia sudah mempunyai tanggungjawab yang lebih besar, lebih tinggi prioriti serta mempunyai teman. Tambahan dia baru sahaja berkongsi hidup kurang dari dua minggu. Kurang seorang orang yang mendengar keluhan serta rakan berbual jarak jauh. Mungkin itu yang membuatkan aku berasa agak sedih; aku tidak mempunyai ramai kawan, tetapi pada satu-satu masa aku akan mempunyai beberapa rakan rapat yang menjadi tempat berkongsi suka duka serta pengalaman hidup. Rakan-rakan yang boleh aku menjadi diri sendiri tanpa perlu aku berpura-pura; tanpa perlu bercakap berlapik. Tetapi sudah menjadi lumrah kehidupan; memang kami masih boleh berhubung tetapi aku faham apabila seseorang itu telah menjadi ketua keluarga, keutamaan hidup akan berubah. Bukan dia sahaja, malah seorang lagi rakan rapatku akan berkaiwin pada tahun hadapan. Inilah kehidupan; kita melaluinya dan apabila sampai masanya perlu untuk mengambil langkah yang seterusnya. Tahniah sahabat, moga sentiasa dirahmati.


Kitaran itu kini bermula lagi. Aku berasa keseorangan tanpa kawan, cuba untuk menyesuaikan diri dengan persekitaran baru dalam masa yang sama mencari kawan rapat. Aku mempunyai rakan di sekolah menengah, ketika diploma dan ketika pengajian ijazah. Pertemuan serta persahabatan akan berakhir dengan perpisahan dan masing-masing meneruskan hidup masing-masing menurut jalan yang berbeza. Terlalu jauh, terlalu sibuk, bertukar prioriti serta fokus, lambat laun perkenalan yang terjalin akan mula terlerai kerana kesibukan masing-masing. Kebanyakannya kini sudak tidak aku hubungi lagi. Mungkin ini baik untukku; berada dalam keadaaan solidariti, bersendirian jauh di sudut hati walaupun disekeliling penuh dengan kawan. Aku tidak memerlukan ramai kawan, cukup sekadar beberapa orang yang betul-betul rapat. Aku jangkakan tidak lama lagi besar kemungkinan kami akan berhenti berhubung. Kalau ada pun sekadar bersapa atau bergurau. Tiada lagi sesi berbual panjang mengenai kehidupan; tiada lagi sesi luahan perasaan; tiada lagi waktu untuk semua itu. Nampaknya aku seorang yang banyak bergantung kepada orang lain secara emosi. Walaupun luaran aku agak tidak beremosi, tetapi aku amat suka mempunyai orang yang boleh aku kongsi pengalaman.

Aku tidak suka menjadi emosional. Aku telah berjaya belajar mengawal marahku ketika aku meyambung pelajaran di peringkat diploma. Ianya sukar serta mengambil waktu yang panjang.

Tiada lagi perasaan ingin menulis. Cukup sekadar aku mahu berkaraoke sabtu malam lepas tetapi tidak kesampaian kerana tertidur. Tadi aku berseorangan, karaoke tribute kepada rakan yang telah berdua. Tahniah kalian!

2 Dalam 1

Kali ni aku nak tulis mengenai dua perkara: perkara yang telah aku lakukan pada hujung minggu ini serta apa yang aku rasa mengenai kerja aku sekarang. Ah, sebelum itu aku nak mengingatkan kembali sebab aku menulis apa yang aku rasa di blog ini. Ini bukanlah sebab utama aku adakan blog ini. Tidak sama sekali. Blog ini aku mulakan pada penghujung tahun 2010, ketika aku mengganggur, tinggal, makan serta menggunakan segala kemudahan termasuklah kenderaan ibu bapa aku. Pada waktu itu aku mempunyai banyak waktu senggang dan aku isi dengan aktiviti antaranya ialah mengikuti perkembangan berita. Tidak semua, tetapi beberapa isu dan antaranya adalah wikileaks. Aku mula menulis untuk mengembangkan kebolehan; bukan bakat tetapi kebolehan aku mempersembahkan idea serta pandangan aku dalam bentuk penulisan yang tersusun. Selain daripada itu, ia sebagai satu sebab bagi aku untuk sentiasa mengikuti perkembangan isu-isu semasa dalam serta luar negara. Setelah beberapa ketika, ia bertukar kepada tempat aku meluahkan perasaan, terutamanya perasaan negatif aku terhadap pekerjaanku; keadaan tempat kerja, bos dan gaji menjadi antara beberapa topik utama yang aku luahkan. Aku luahkan di sini kerana aku tidak dapat menahan lagi perasaanku, jika ditahan-tahan lagi besar kemungkinan aku akan melepaskannya ditempat kerja dan aku tidak mampu untuk menanggung risiko jika aku melakukannya. Sebab kedua, aku tiada teman untuk aku luahkan perasaan ini. Jika ada sekali pun, berapa lama dia boleh menahan mendengar luahan-luahan perasaanku yang penuh dengan emosi negatif seperti marah, kecewa, tertekan dan kebosanan. Aku sendiri tidak sanggup untuk menadah telinga mendengar orang lain mengomel, terutamanya jika orang itu lelaki. Kemudian aku menjumpai satu artikel yang menyatakan kajian telah menunjukkan menulis lebih baik daripada meluahkan perasaan. Menulis dapat memberikan kelegaan yang lebih daripada berbicara mengenai sesuatu perkara yang melibatkan perasaan. Maka aku mula menaip, bukan menulis, tetapi bagi tujuan yang sama iaitu meluahkan perasaanku yang terpendam. Aku dapati ianya amat berkesan. Jika pada awal penulisan aku berasa amat marah, pada waktu aku selesai menulis aku berasa puas, sama rasanya seperti berjaya meluahkan perasaan tersebut dalam bentuk fizikal. Aku juga merasakan aku tidak merasa atau begitu ingat apa yang aku lalui dalam tempoh aku menaip blog sewaktu waku meluahkan perasaan. Daripada itu, aku merumuskan ini merupakan alternatif yang baik untuk aku meluahkan perasaan; aku dapat kelegaan daripada menahan perasaan yang membuak-buak; tiada kesan buruk atau perbelanjaan hanya sekadar yang diperlukan untuk mengakses internet bagi menulis; dan aku dapat mempraktikkan cubaan menukar perasaanku ke dalam bentuk ayat. Ah, dan tidak lupa aku tidak dibuang kerja kerana menulis di blog ini. Berbalik kepada tujuan asal posting minggu ini.

Aku telah mengambil cuti selama 2 hari daripada kerja pada hari Khamis serta Jumaat yang lalu untuk menghadiri majlis perkahwinan teman rapatku di Johor. Lebih tepat lagi, menghadiri majlis pernikahan serta walimatul urus sebelah pengantin perempuan. Tidak banyak yang aku lakukan untuk membantu rakanku itu. Aku hanya mengikutinya sahaja keluar untuk membuat beberapa persiapan kecil yang terakhir. Ah, aku juga tidak dapat menjadi pengapit kerana tidak membawa baju melayu bagi hal itu. Minta maaf, sahabat. Bagi pembelaan diriku, aku tidak tahu bagaimana kedua-dua majlis itu bakal berlangsung. Maaf, aku kurang arif tentang adat serta protokol perkahwinan bangsa Melayu. Aku amat berterima kasih kepadamu kerana membenarkan aku turut serta menjadi sebahagian daripada rombongan pengantin lelaki sewaktu majlis akad nikah. Rakanmu ini amatlah canggung apabila berada di antara orang-orang yang tidak rapat dengannya dan amatlah cetek pengetahuannya tentang budaya bangsanya sendiri. Minta maaf sekali lagi atas kekurangan diri ni sepanjang majlis berlangsung. Aku sempat berbual beberapa kali dengan rakanku ini sewaktu kami keluar ke pekan. Tetapi sehingga kini aku tidak faham bagaimana seseorang atau lebih tepat lagi dua orang boleh bersetuju untuk hidup bersama. Untukku, hanya dengan memikirkan idea menjadi suami orang sudah cukup untuk membuatkan aku kecut perut. Ah, sebab yang utama adalah kerana aku amat malas memikul tanggungjawab. Sebolehnya biarlah aku tangguhkan perkara-perkara yang sukar itu sehingga suatu masa di masa akan datang. Semoga pada ketika itu aku sudah mampu atau setidak-tidaknya sanggup untuk membawa bebanan tersebut. Majlis tersebut berlangsung dengan lancar dan Alhamdulillah dapat disempunakan. Hanya masalah kecil sahaja yang berlaku, itu pun hanya masalah kereta pengantin lelaki. Namum ia bukan masalah besar. Pagi sebelum majlis walimah ia telah dapat diselesaikan. Itu hanyalah masalah yang dapat aku lihat. Masalah-masalah lain yang mungkin timbul tetapi tidak aku lihat kerana kelemahan akal atau kurang daya pemerhatian mungkin ada; tahniah kepada kedua-dua mempelai. Ahad akan datang aku akan hadir pula ke majlis sebelah lelaki.

Bercakap mengenai memulakan keluarga(maaf, aku mengambil terjemahan terus daripada frasa: "starting a family" dan aku tidak mahu menggunakan "mendirikan rumah tangga" kerana aku merasakan ia amat klise), aku pernah memikirkannya; terutamanya sewaktu aku menyambung pelajaran ke peringkat ijazah selepas diploma. Pada waktu itu aku dilamun perasaan yang amat dengan seorang pelajar wanita di universiti yang sama. Tetapi perkara tersebut berubah di tahun akhir pengajian terutamanya pada semester akhir pengajian. Aku merubah pandangan terhadap beberapa perkara dan antaranya ialah perkahwinan. Aku kembali kepada pandangan asalku iaitu untuk melengah-lengahkan memikirkannya selama mungkin. Kini setelah lebih 3 tahun aku tamat pengajian, aku masih tidak mahu memikirkan apatah lagi merancang perkahwinanku. Ah, dengan gaji yang kecil, serba-serbi tiada; dan yang paling penting aku tidak mahu cara hidup aku sekarang berubah. Aku selesa dengan cara hidup sekarang. Aku boleh bekerja sehingga lewat malam, sambung kerja di rumah dan bangun lewat pada hujung minggu dan aku tidak perlu memikirkan aku perlu bertolak ansur dengan sesiapa dalam hidup aku. Jika aku berkahwin aku perlu memikirkan mengenai pasanganku: perasaannya, keadaan kesihatannya, kebahagiaannya. Orang yang mementingkan diri sendiri seperti aku ini tidak mampu untuk menanggung kos perasaan sebuah perkahwinan. Aku terfikir nasib baik juga aku ini tidak tampan dan canggung bersosial; sukar untuk mendapat teman membawa kepada ketiadaan teman membawa kepada ketidak perluan merancang perkahwinan. Ah, hahahaha! Tetapi disebalik semua ini sebenarnya aku juga memikirkannya kadang kala. Cuma aku menolak fikiran ke suatu sudut yang jauh dalam mindaku supaya ia tidak mengganggu dan supaya aku dapat menikmati waktu bujang yang aku kira bebas dan senang ini. Buat masa ini aku tidak mampu untuk melalui perkara-perkara yang sukar; psikologiku masih lagi terkesan dengan cita-cita bodohku di universiti: mengejar CGPA. Ah, bodoh sekali. Ia tidak membawa apa-apa makna melainkan memudahkan proses temuduga.

Bercakap mengenai cita-cita, aku terfikir dengan pekerjaan yang aku lakukan sekarang, aku terfikir apakah aku akan boleh mencari wang yang lebih banyak pada masa akan datang. Ya, aku tidak nafikan, aku sukakan kemewahan material. Aku gemarkan keselesaan yang dapat dibeli dengan wang. Aku suka menikmati hidup yang mewah. Aku tidak mempunyai kesukaan yang biasa bagi lelaki: sukan, gadjet elektronik, kereta, motorsikal, kuasa, permainan video; semua ini tidak menarik minatku. Apa yang aku suka adalah keselesaan hidup, pakaian yang aku aku gemari, kesihatan tubuh badan serta makanan yang boleh diterima. Maksud makanan ayng boleh diterima adalah makanan yang bersih dari awal proses penanaman atau penyembelihan jika inaya haiwan, segar, tidak diproses, serta disediakan dengan elok tanpa menggunakan bahan perasa. Untuk mendapatkan makanan sebegini pada zaman ini dalah begitu sukar dan memerlukan kos yang agak tinggi. Paling mudah adalah dengan masak sendiri namun, kos permulaan bagi membeli dapur gas, periuk belanga, belanja dapur serta masa untuk menyediakan makanan untuk seorang diri adalah lebih tinggi berbanding dengan keluar makan diluar. Aku tiada masalah makan diluar. Tetapi masalah makan diluar tidak dapat memenuhi kehendakku; masakan ala kadar, masakan menggunakan terlalu banyak bahan perasa, tiada kepelbagaian menu dan dapur yang kotor. Kadangkala aku merasakan aku makan hanya untuk meneruskan kehidupan sehingga waktu makan seterusnya. Aku tidak dapat khasiat makanan yang secukupnya(terutamanya sayuran) dan tidak dapat menikmati rasa makanan. Ah, aku akan cuba untuk pindah pada tahun hadapan ke apartmen sendiri agar aku dapat masak dan makan dengan puas. Puas, dapat memasak serta dapat menikmati makanan yang padaku boleh diterima.

Menyambung tentang hal wang, aku terfikir apakah aku harus terus bekerja dalam pembangunan aplikasi sama yang aku lakukan sekarang atau aku harus belajar perkara lain. Aku terfikir untuk mendapatkan kelayakan sebagai peguam secara separuh masa. Aku hendak menukar pekerjaan sebaik aku tamat kontrak dengan majikan sekarang. Aku tidak mahu terus dengan majikan sekarang kerana bagiku konsep kerja itu mudah: aku kerja, aku mahu dibayar setimpal dengan hasil kerjaku. Aku tidak mahu kenaikan pangkat kerana  aku tidak mahu lagi berada dalam organisasi ini. Setiap hari Isnin pagi, apabila aku tiba dibangunan tempat aku bekerja, aku melihat bangunan itu dan merasakan sedikit demi sedikit jiwa serta cita-citaku mati. Aku tidak sanggup bekerja keras hanya untuk mendapat upah yang tidak cukup untuk hidup selesa dan kenaikan gaji yang tidak sepadan dengan kos sara hidup. Aku suka sebahagian daripada kerjaku tetapi bagi mengekalkan kewarasan serta $$$, aku mahu keluar. Aku akan pastikan aku keluar. Aku akan lakukan apa yang aku mampu agar aku dapat keluar. Aku tidak mahu terus di sini mereput, hilang idealisme, semangat serta cita-citaku. AKU MAHU KELUAR!!!!! Aku akan bersabar, meletakkan idea itu sebagai bahan bakar sumber tenaga semangat untuk melakukan kerja dengan baik bagi mengelakkan aku menjadi tidak relevan dan tidak dapat keluar. AKU MESTI MAHU KELUAR!!!!!!!

Perkara kedua yang telah aku lakukan pada hujung minggu ini ialah menghabiskan buat kali kedua bacaan novel 1984. tu je. AHAHAHAHAAAA!!!! Sekian, terima kasih.

Fucking Hell!! Cibai!!! And I Should've Known And Handle It Better, Well It Went Better Than Usual

Damn shit sial! Aku memang bengang gila kali ni. Dengan bos yang macam haram(ni memang fakta lama, bukan penemuan baru), rakan sekerja yang aku anggap kawan dan aku ingat takkan nak menyusahkan aku tabi sebaliknya cuma tahu nak jaga bontot sendiri sahaja, serta kursus yang macam cibai. Fucking Hell man! Bodoh!! Bodoh!! Bodoh!!!ARGHHH!!!!!! Aku sangat marah aku dan aku nak minum Coke ditambah dengan sedikit garam(ini agak bahaya sebab mungkin aku mengkondisi psikologi diriku agar setiap kali aku marah, minum minuman berkarbonat, tambah garam pulak tu!). Tapi aku memang tak nafikan, memang sedap giler bila minum Coke atau yang sewaktu dengannya tambah garam. Aku baru test Coke dan Pepsi Light, rasanay lebih lemak dan tak cukup satu woooo.. Dah, dah,  jauh pulak aku menyimpang dari jalan yang benar, eh dari topik sebenar. Kemarahan aku terhadap kawan sekerja yang macam lubang anus serta kebolehan aku dalam menangani atau lebih tepat lagi mencegah berlakunya stress.

Bukan aku tak marah pasal benda lain, aku memang ada tak puas hati dan marah dengan kursus yang aku pergi bermula semalam sehingga Jumaat ini, cuma ini sahaja aku boleh buat satu posting(atau sekerat posting, tapi panjang la jugak). Bercakap pasal kursus, aku tak tau malaon mana dari jabatan aku yang menguruskan pemilihan pengajar; memang BANGANG!!!!!! Macam tangkap muat jer cari pusat latihan, tak tau la main rembat sahaja atau termakan cakap wakil syarikat yang memberikan kursus, atau bodoh nak mampos tak reti nak pilih elok sikit!!!! BABII!!!!!!! Aku memang cakap tak nak cakap pasal kursus, oleh sebab itu, aku list je sebab musabab yang patut buat aku naik angin!

• Pilihan pusat kursus yang macam GAMPANG!!!!! Ada ke komputer dalam bilik latihan terpampang mesej sistem pengoperasian tidak tulen?!!! WTF!!! Apa jimak kah pusat kursus sengkek sangat ker sampai pakai perisian tak tulen a.k.a. pirated operating software. Dodgy giler!!!!
• Pengajar yang macam tak biasa jer dengan teknologi yang nak diajar. Mau pakai Power Shell pun macam tak biasa!!! WTF!!!!!! Macam mana laaa boleh syarikat tu lantik dia ni?!! Tak payah pun sebab dia, sebab $$$$$. Kursus ni mahal, sebab guna teknologi Microsoft, partnership, bayar lebih RM3000 satu peserta tapi cam haprak jer trainer. Macam tak biasa. Boleh lak kutuk2 syarikat yang mengeluarkan teknologi tu!! Ptuih!! Dah kutuk pastu ajar lagi, WTFF! Mujur la peramah.
• Idea siapa la nak guna teknologi ni? Tak tengok dulu keadaan rangkaian semasa di organisasi, macam mana pengurusan keselamatan IT, Active Directory, tau2 mau guna teknologi yang melangkau fungsi beberapa unit kecil dalam jabatan. Karang masa nak deploy software tu nanti memang haru, sebab yang pergi kursus tu orang2 pasukan development yang kebanyakannya cuma manage outsourced application. Bukan dari bahagian yang jaga pasal AD, network serta keselamatan. Bagus, nanti berceranggah sebab nak buat kerja kacau turf orang. Aku tak suka turf2 ni, tapi kalau kau nak guna software yang perlu kepakaran atau at least kerjasama orang lain buat la study dulu. Okay ke tak guna software tu. Jangan main terjah je bila ada idea bernas (tak, bukan semua idea dari kepala bos itu bernas, bos pun manusia, prone to brain fart) muncul dalam kepala otak, study dulu, FEASIBILITY IS THE KEY. Memang teorinya best, tapi kau mampu ke nak push orang supaya gunakan software ni?!!! Macam mana dengan server? Jangan nak tai-chi atau tambah kerja orang lain dah! Ye, aku cakap pasal bos unit yang handle kursus ni. Cam sesia pun ada aku rasa pergi kursus ni, baik aku duduk di pejabat, siapkan pengaturcaraan.
• Pilihan pusat kursus yang macam gampang!! Ye, ni kali kedua aku tulis, tapi tempatnya memang macam gampang, lain kali sila pilih training provider yang semenggah sikit. Duit keluar bukan sikit; memang sedap keluar dui kalau bukan dari poket kau, tapi tolong berbelanja secara berhemah. Jangan main taram jer main amik sebarang training center yang bagi flyer. Tempat training rumah kedai; nasib interior semenggah. Pastu orang dari company training tu macam tak biasa jer ada training kat situ. Nak buat-buat peramah pulak. FUCK THAT!!! I came here to be exposed to the technology, just give me a good trainer, good facilities, and decent food if you decided to provide some! I DONT FUCKING NEED HOSPITALITY, I DIDN'T CAME FOR THAT!!!!
• Ahli-ahli(sebahagian sahaja) yang datang training macam, ahhh fuck this point!! Pendek cerita aku rasa cam gampang lak kena pergi training dengan makcik2 yang dah hilang rasa nak kerja dan seorang pakcik yang galak nak mampus macam dah lama tak merasa kehangatan wanita. Kekadang aku pelik, memang korang sedar dan tahu kerja dengan organisasai ni gaji kecik, naik gaji sikit dan naik pangkat beberapa abad sekali, tapi kau dah buat keputusan nak kerja, kerja lah elok2. JANGAN SIBUK NAK BERFACEBOOK DAN CAKAP PASAL ANAK KAT OPIS. FUCK!!!! KO MASUK KERJA DENGAN ORGANISASI NI SEBAB NAK PENCEN, KERJA TAK LA GILA BABI SANGAT, PASTU TAK BUAT KERJA, KONON2 GAJI TAKKAN NAIK DAHHHH(kebanyakan guna sebab ni). FUCKING HELL!!!!! KO TAU TAK KO MENGHARAPKAN ORGANISASI BAYAR PENCEN, INGAT SIKIT KER??? DAH LA MEMANG SUSAH NAK MAMPUS KENA BUANG KERJA!!!! BUAT LA KERJA ELOK2. BABI KIMAK LAAA KORANG!!. Tak semena-mena aku tulis panjang pasal training pastu melencong kepada makcik2 ni.SHIT. Senang cerita untuk point ni, sila buat kerja anda. Anda telah bersetuju untuk bekerja dan tahu terang-terang, awal-awal yang anda akan bergaji ciput dan lambat naik pangkat. Naik pangkat pun sebab tahun berkhidmat, bukan pure performance. Tak sadar dek untung. Ah, this goes to all in the same organisation, not excluding me. The inital point of this point is going for training with old women who don't like their job and don't do feels like shit, mang.

Now, to my real first issue, shit colleague. Hey, I said to you "Kau pun nak buat complain jugak" this morning when I logged into the system that I'm maintaining. WTHell man?!! If you've got any problem with the system just talk to me, idiot. Don't go make it official, fuck shit! I know, you probably want to play safe, tell our boss that you've logged a report, but WTF man, my workstation is just next to yours. I don't want to make the office a warzone but when you do like this, I feel like you're betraying me just to safe your ass because of a small glitch in the system that's not even harmful. You can just log a comment for that, fuck shit! Now I know how much I could trust you. Babi, I can't believe it! And even if you didn't log any report you won't be in any trouble. YES, THAT'S WHY I'M VERY PISSED OFF BY YOUR FUCKING COMPLAINT IN THE FUCKING SYSTEM!!! YOU NEVER DID COMPLAIN BEFORE AND NOW I FEEL LIKE MAYBE YOU'RE JUST SHITTING ME AND DID CAME LATE, FUCK NUT!!! I just hope I can control my temper when you are around. Good thing I'm not in the office this whole week. I'm gonna need some time to cool off, and I don't want to see your fucking face for some time or I'll rip your face off. Violently.

I just realised that I can't hope for people to accept me. I can't hope for someone to love me. I need to accept myself. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not going to spout some corny shitty stuff that you can read in a motivation book. What I'm saying is, I'm going to be me. It's different from being an asshole. As long as I think that how I conduct myself is rational, I don't give a fuck how people sees me. Fuck that. If I seem blunt and lack of tact, it's because I'm being honest. No, I'm not deliberately being an asshole, but I'm tired of playing this social dance. I'm tired of tip toeing around avoiding saying things people will disagree, avoiding the issue does not make it go away. What I'm trying to say is, if I think something is shitty, if I think you are shitty, that's my opinion. And I fully acknowledge that people might be blunt to me back. Heck, if that's the price for being myself, I'll gladly pay that. I'm not being an asshole on purpose, I'm just being me. Me who's tired of this much abused politeness. I've had enough of politeness used as excuse not to hurt anyone. If you want to be polite, you tell the truth, don't tone it down, don't say it like you're afraid, say it like how you need o say it. If you need to be angry while saying that, be angry. And never ever forget to have reason. The last few lines are just me talking to myself. I'm not going to tip toe anymore. FUCK THE ABUSE OF POLITENESS.

Ah, I've run out of steam, the anger has already subsided. I should've known better than to let myself go into stressed out mode. LOL, I forgot to stay calm and look properly. Oh well, at least I handled it better than before. Gonna be calm, not absent minded. Swift, not hurrying. Always ready. WTF? LOL!!!

Semoga esok lebih baik dari hari ini.

Current Update

I had the idea of making this post in my native tongue earlier. That changed after I logged into blogger and now, I'm writing(technically typing) in English. I realized last night(or was it earlier) that I had not been posting for quite some times. I don't really know the real duration, can't be bothered to check when actually I posted last. I thought about it to myself and think maybe that's because I'm not really angry at the moment; maybe things are going fine; maybe I'm not that depressed or tension; maybe I have found things to occupy my time and mind. Well, I don't want to bother myself more writing about that, now I'll update what had happened for the past few, hmmm let's see how this post will go. I'll go chronologically backward; latest past few days update to past few weeks to maybe a month or two backwards after that.

Latest update: just returned from the clinic and got bad news and good news. The bad news is my slight difficulty in breathing and intermittent chest pain is caused by my smoking habit that has damaged my lungs. The doctor said it's irreversible(I want to search if that's possible) and the way to determine the level of damage is by doing an x-ray. Darn, I quit smoking, started exercising and lose weight and only now the bad habit comes back and bite me on my respiratory system. Maybe I should increase my exercise intensity, frequency and duration to make my lungs and heart work more and get stronger. And maybe, just maybe, to cope with all that workout my lungs will repair itself. Now, the good news is I don't have heart problem; I was worried I might have cardiovascular disease after checking the internet about my symptoms and that sent chills down my spine. So all in all I'm in good(or at least okay) condition. I'm going to exercise harder!!!

Not so latest update: I didn't go back to my grandma's for Eid again this year; the second consecutive year, and if I'm not mistaken the third time in my life. The first was in 2007 when I was still in university. I don't really missed the celebration that much, since personally I think celebrating the victory of self control and discipline for a month by blowing your budget and uncontrolled eating seems contradictory. It's akin to binge eating after a successful diet. Since I can't be the only one not celebrating like mad(at least where I usually celebrate Eid) I decided to stay at my rented room in KL. Well I have other personal reasons not to go back for Eid; I don't really like being at other people's house; add to that the hierarchy structure of family and relatives. I have no problem with that, well I actually don't like it but I can fairly tolerate that, but what ticks me off is how the structure is being abused. Not all are like this, but I'm talking about those who does. Older people seems to act similar to seniors in high school; like assholes. They expect to be obeyed, to be answered to and not getting talked back at. Fuck that, I'm a human being and I shall voice out what I think and what I feel if you happen to piss me off. Well, add to that the fact that I don't really want to embarrass my parents in front of their relatives by being myself and the fact that I have no car, so I have to follow wherever they go to; pretty good mixture of reasons to not going back. The only relative who calls me was my cousin, I was very afraid he would ask why I hadn't come back I faked not being able to hear him over the phone to avoid any conversation. From the background noise I could tell that he was outside. I could understand how he feels, but I'm deeply sorry I can't be the nice older cousin. He text me a few seconds later saying he just wants to wish me a good Eid. I text him saying the same and luckily it ended there.

During the Eid holidays I familiarized myself with random chatting, especially in Omegle and iMeetzu. It's sausage fest there, no more accurately hard on sausage fest; full of guys who wants to cyber. I developed a liking in trolling those kind of people; by pretending to be a female. How it goes depends on my mood. This gives me the pleasure of laughing and using harsh words at strangers who I don't even know. It's perverse, and I was acting as if I am a better person. But I enjoy very much making fun of them. Maybe that's unhealthy but at least I get to let off some steam. Once in a while I would find decent conversation; the gem of this new hobby. Mostly talking about music, movies and life as a whole, I met very interesting people this way. Once I even talked with a stranger about parenthood, hahahahhahah! Maybe this is the reason I'm not depressed or tension or bored anymore; human interactions without the usual discomfort of face-to-face encounters. Thank you to all of the people who made this possible.
 
Work seems to be a bit worse. I recently coded very little and starting to doubt my first design. I was thinking of stripping all of the fancy stuff and made the requested application system as bare as possible. I hope I can finish it this month.

I'm feeling lazy now to write more, hopefully the quality of my writings made up for it. Adios~

Freaking Mafakka

Now, feeling angry towards somebody and being unable to take it out on that person is nothing unfamiliar to me. I'm used to it and learned to get used to it a long time ago. But I hate it; I still feel all the rage; able to bear doesn't mean it doesn't freaking hurt. The burning sensation that I feel around the region of my physical heart is still there. I wanted to bash that guy's face. I want to punch and kick and bite that person to death. At least I want to be able to seriously injure that person until he/she realized how angry I am. Until I can make him/her with force or with logic(preferably force) to admit (now I'm going to continue this essay using him and he since him/her is too damn long) that he's wrong and I'm right. I'm right in sense that he wronged me by making me furious and losing my temper. I would like to build it up; first yell at the mafakka's face, punch his face to break it; grab his head and bang it on the wall; then followed by spitting on his face and make him apologize. That'll be a good lesson for that shit head.

I don't get furious or even angry easily. Especially at strangers. But whenever I think someone is being too much and having fun being an asshole at my expense, my rage will shoot up. I fantasize of having vengeance and plotting ways to fuck that guy up. Okay, so the reason I'm writing this is because just now an older person from another department just made an asshole of himself. He complained about how the system wasn't working. As a budding sysadmin i admitted there's a known problem with the system and he could make a remark about the problem and his boss will be able to see it. He even asked me what's the door name(fucking retarded old man; he's been working here for some time and still doesn't even know the name of the door he's been using. Either hes an idiot, or fucking dumb fuck ignorant or just want to blame me if his boss asked hm because I gave him the door name.). Fucking retarded can't even answer when i asked who's on the other side of the line. Babi sial. I thought that was all.

A few moments passed then my phone rang; him again. He started to spend a few minutes building the fire of my fury and rage by saying how he'd made complaints online and it seems to him that nobody from the IT Dept did anything. I told him all about the problem; it was well known and we need hardware changes. Which is not cheap nor fast. It's not like paying $$ and you get to drive a new car. Babi boleh pulak cakap dah banyak duit habis. Puki sial. Kau tak tahu detail jangan le mulut cakap lepas. Eh boleh pergi buang laa title Haji kau tuh. Oh, BTW, jangan register dalam sistem Haji sebagai nama. Haji tu gelaran yang diberi oleh masyarakat je. Nama tu apa yang tertulis dalam surat beranak. Apa yang mak bapak kau kasik masa ko lahir dulu, bodoh! Fucking show-off! He thinks just because he performed pilgrimage he deserves respect. Fuck you! Respect is a privilege not a right, dipshit! Oh, while he was talking I even turn the phone awaay so I don't have to listen to all of his yapping. Babi tua sampah masyarakat.

Oh, BTW you fucking bastard old man, my friends happened to be sysadmins too. I can easily dig your information and make really damaging things to you. I can stalk you and kill you. Vandalize your vehicle. Expose your non-complete disclosure which is against the organization's(the one that pays us to work) policy. Heh, I could screw with your record just for fun. But I won't do that. I'm not that low; or that pissed; yet. You mess with me again and if you bring higher management into the matter, I'll think about fucking make a mess with your records and stuff. It's not a threat, it's an option. 'll admit my mistakes if it's mine but don't be an asshole or sadistic. I can be very vengeful.

Satiated

Wow, feels great after a meal. Very happy.
Not a good time to write my heart out.

Melancholic

Playing now: M. Nasir Canggung Mendonan album on loop. Nice. Time: 7.42pm if my desktop clock is correctly synchronized with the time server. Just had about 1 Liter of water and medicine for iftar and now waiting for the time to pass before having my meal. Recently I found that I'm calmer in during fasting month. Maybe because of the blessed month, or because there's no Satan and his underlings around, maybe because the low blood sugar; I frankly don't know. But I like how it feels. I like being calm and being able to think deep thoughts. Being able to perceive things less emotionally and with less worldly desire view and being more real, on-your-face-it's-life kind of thinking. Or, to be more precise, I have less worldly desire but more about my life. About what state I'm now, what have I done so far, what's my next move, what do I want to make of this short life, where I want to end up. Since the voice of my worldly desire is toned down, I can listen better to myself and what I'm hearing is not something I want to hear. It's something that I've been trying to run away from; to avoid at all cost while possible; to ignore it's calling. It's my biological calling trying to reach me. No, not food nor sex nor the need to rush to the nearest cleanest toilet available. The other biological calling. To mate, to start a family to produce offspring. To be a husband, a father.

Shit, my original plan was to get hitched by the end of 2010. I've got everything planned out. Well, sort of. I had the idea whose going to be the not-so-lucky woman, how we'll run the family. And I also was ready to faced hardship;vocationally speaking. I was ready to be one of those overworked and underpaid workers who had the bad luck of choosing IT for a career. I accepted that fact, I was willing to go through it since it seems worth it. Ah, but alas my naivety and false optimism backfired. Things go from bad to worse to everything gets flushed down the toilet kind of shit. I let go of my wanting fro the girl during my last year in university. Seems that she changed. The reason I fell for her in the first place wasn't there anymore. It wasn't her beauty nor was it her smile. It's something special(well, at least for me) that I found hard to get. And got a lot of quality I looked for someone who's going to be my partner and the mother of my children(though there's always the possibility of not having any due to unforeseen circumstances). Well, that and the fact that I gave up taking the challenge a career, tried and failed miserably in sales. Planned to pursue what I like and make a career of it(I used to like cooking) but got discouraged by the reaction of people around me and gave up that too. And I was ready to report for my first day too. Then leaving a better than average paying job from a consulting since there was no point of working like a machine(now I realized there were: money and the things that I could buy with it). Well, enough of my rambling about my spiraling fall. If I really want to talk about it I would go back as far as when I was about 7 or 8. When for the first time I brought sweet Sunquick to school instead of water. That habit paid of physically. It made me fucking fat. And all the psychological effects of being one. And I'm still trying to get rid of my craving for excessive calorie intake. Of the joy(or rather pain and suffering) from overeating. Well, I can always blame something. Maybe the sweet drink didn't make me fat. Maybe it was me. I dunno. But as afar as I'm concerned that's my history. The long sad story of being fat.

So, back to what I was saying. This 11 days I feel calm. Oh, and melancholic too. I think that I'm more emotionally vulnerable. Thank God that I'm not a hot looking lass nor a good looking guy. Nobody will try to take advantage of me now. I was thinking about calling a friend but then I remembered that writing about something that have strong negative emotional impact is far better than talking it out. It's proven by science. I feel like getting a mate now. Fuck, man. I don't really like the idea of opening up. Plus I may had avoidance personality disorder. Seems correct. I had bad experience making friends, I used to think what'll people will people think about me all the time. I find solace in solitary(though being confined can make me go bonkers sometime). I'm afraid of getting the normal hurt in friendship. I feel very alone even when I'm with people that consider(really) me a close friend; I hope they can feel the real connection that I don't really feel. I also found out that If I went out socializing and went overboard having fun and mixing with people and being cheerful will cause me to have the inverse emotional feeling the next day. Example, I went for my department's family day, hang out with my colleague buddies, having fun for almost 24 hours; I was one of the ad-hoc committee who arrived at the venue a night before not counting the hours of sleeping. The very next day I felt really depressed, angry of what I did and just plain fucking low. I felt like erasing the memory of the day before and thinking what an idiot everyone thought I was. Fuck, that was really screwed.

Back again to what I was saying, looking at old friends blogs and pictures and seeing that they moved on to the normal course of life, moved on made me think. Wait, before that, it was found that seeing other people's status and pictures that make their lives more fun and interesting than oneself my cause the inverse effect. I may be having that effect but I'm pretty sure that everyone moved on with life except me. The idiot little buy who's already outgrows his child clothes but still afraid and not ready to face real world. Fuck, I should've stayed in the safe, familiar confinement of academia. Haish, people getting married, buying a car, start raising kids. Shit, it's not that I never though of those things; I thought deep and hard 'bout it. It's just I AM FUCKINGLY AFRAID. I tried to improve when I was in college but it failed. I tried when I was working for a consulting company and got the same result. I'm fucking afraid. I can't even take control of myself; how am I suppose to be the protector and provider. Shit, if it was a few hundred years back, I would've probably survived teenage years. Or if I do, I might h=just get killed by an attack or be a poor wanderer with no skills and ability to provide for myself. After learning and living for almost 26 years, I think I'm still the same baby that my parents took care of. I have not improved. FUCK!

To be continued after makan.

What The Heck

Now I really regret not setting aside some money every month since I started working earlier this year. If only.. if only. Shit if only I have the money I've already move out from this bunch of fuckers. Not all of my housemate are MOFOs but from the two assholes, I deduce that one is a cheap bastard and the other one is a pig; loud, makes a lot of unnecessary noise, fucking coward and doesn't clean his own shit!

The first of the MOFOs is mostly a average to slightly over average paid engineer working for national company digging the earth's gut for black liquid. He doesn't rent a room, no but fucking stays in the living room. At first it was okay, even when he uses the ironing board to put his bath towel on(for fuck sake, you can hang your bloody damp towel at the balcony, you fuck nut!) I have no concern having someone eating, sleeping, watching tv, changing clothes, hang clothes in a plastic and cloth wardrobe in the living room since I am rarely in the living room, only passing by on my way out of the house. Heck, I even let the fact about his habit of setting his alarm clock fucking loud early in the morning only to wake up after about 30 fucking minutes without bothering to hit the snooze button. To add to the shit list, he lets the fucking alarm goes on and stops for a few minutes and goes on not until he fucking wakes up, but let the alarm goes on until he is done showering or after he gets ready. Fucking idiot! If you know you're going to wake up late don't set the alarm earlier than you should. It's really disturbing and makes me want to commit homicide. I fancy picking up that fucking phone you use as alarm and toss it out from the balcony and see it fall and break. Then I'll smash your face with a hammer and kick you a few times and at the same time yell at you about what you did and how it pissed me almost every single work day morning. I won't stop until you get it into that thick stingy skull of yours. Babi sial, tak nak bangun awal jangan set alarm. Dah kalau set alarm, jangan sampai satu rumah boleh dengar. And please have some common sense to turn the snooze on you fucking moron! Sesia jadi jurutera tapi tak boleh berfikir dengan rasional. Apa guna bertahun belajar teknikal. Adakah kau hanya boleh berfikir dengan rasional sewaktu melakukan kerja2 teknikal sahaja?! Bodoh macam haram! I can't think how he can continue sleeping even after the alarm went off. Sometimes it seems that he's awake but hesitating to wake up, but how can he stand the alarm clock? Stupid motherfucker! Maybe because the lack of sex and bottled up semen(since he's married and not living with his spouse) makes him an idiot. Man, talk about what blueballs do to you. Oh, maybe he thinks that's all cool since he's not around on weekends. Fuck you, idiot! I need rest as much as you do and you disturb my sleep almost every fucking workday morning, you bastard! I hope you got into an accident that leaves you paraplegic, forcing you to stay somewhere else.

There's another shitty things he did just now. First, he brought a dude(friend/relative, I don't know and I don't fucking care). But just now he asked me to remove my clothes hanger outside of my room to make room for that dude's plastic+fabric wardrobe. Shit! This can't be real. Three fucking pigs at the living room every single minute of non-working time. Okay, I admit I once squatted at the living room for almost three months but I fucking paid rent and I moved into a room in the house as soon as it was available. I didn't fucking have my wardrobe out in the fucking living room. Now there'll be four people sharing one bath/toilet; good luck guys! Yes, I know maybe the dude might be just starting to work and needs a place to stay, so here's the situation. MOFO1 is too stingy to even rent a room rented(does he?!) the fucking living room. Now, even if you're only here on weekdays and always have to go outstation, your stuff is still out there in the living room even when you're not there. The fact that you're being an average/above average paid engineer shows that a few hundred bucks a month won't kill you. If it DOES kill you, than screw you! Maybe you want to save a few Ringgit since you're a father now(fuck, he doesn't even raise his own child (son?daughter?) how does he get away with that?) doesn't give you the luxury of being an asshole. Fuck dah la kedekut nak keluar duit sewa setakat BILIK pun, pastu boleh bawak orang lain join! Yes, bagus, macam gampang! Kalau kau dah ada bilik sendiri at least boleh la korang berkongsi bilik, jangan le sebab ko kenal lama dengan ketua rumah kau buat rumah ni jadi macam kau punya pulak. Setan sial, dah la kedekut menyusahkan orang pulak. Susah betul bila orang ada duit tapi berkira. Kalau ko ada bilik, at least kau boleh simpan banyak sikit barang; takde la semak mata balik kerja tengok kau dok melangut depan tv macam zombie jer.

Now, the partner in crime, MOFO2. He seems like his only friend in this hose is MOFO1. He seems, um fuck let me get this straight! He seems like a wife to MOFO1. I don't mean wife as being fucked by the other one or performing any sexual act with him. I mean in a way that he seems willing to go far to ensure MOFO1 is close(in friends term) with him. What the hell is wrong with this PIG?! With other people he dare to ridicule, joke, make fun, belittle, argue but fuck, with MOFO1 he doesn't even seem dare to argue anything. Seems like a hopeless romantic guy with unrequited love; only love here is friendship and the other person have the same sex organ. Macam dah jadi bitch MOFO1 dah. Once a former housemate told me he declined going out for a movie because he knows MOFO1 will be back from outstation in a few days and haven't watched that particular movie yet. WTF??? Sounds desperate for a friend(or for an ally?). Fuck, I think he would even give MOFO1 a blowjob if the latter asked. Dah la tidur pun nak sekali kat luar(I can't figure out why; whether his room is hot/uncomfortable; or he's a fucking coward to sleep alone; he's too emotionally dependent on MOFO1 and needs a friend or someone who acknowledges his existence all the time; or he's a closet gay(heck, he once hugged from behind when I was sleeping outside(whether he's asleep too is still a mystery until today, a mystery I never want to know the answer) until I shove him back)). Since MOFO2 sleeps in the living room, he only uses his room as a changing room/personal storage room. What la, nak berkawan sampai nak berkepit. Apa kata ko bawak MOFO1 dalam bilik ko pastu bagi dia blowjob takpun sua je bontot kau tu! Babi sial!

Now, IF, IF, IF both the MOFOs sleep in their room the worst case is new dude is the only one sleeps in the living room and his wardrobe is outside. That's better than having 3 people when at home staring at the tv all the time. Macam takde makna je hidup. Dah la pagi2 dah bukak tv. Sial loser. Ya, loser kerana hidup tak bermakna. Aku walaupun tak reti bersosial, agak sadistic dan takde life takde la aku nak melahut depan tv je macam orang bodoh. Walaupun aku pernakhmenumpang tengok tv ketua rumah(aku tau, Astro korang bayar) aku tengok sebelum aku ada PC je. Mungkin aku berbunyi agak houlier than thou, but that's the fact. All you guys do at home is stare at the fucking box. Aku buang fius plug satellite tv decore kang baru padan! Aku nak je tengok company tv charge lagi mahal! Ambik kau ubat! Tahu tengok tv je. Kalau tengok tu menyerap maklumat takpe gak, ni dok melayan drama/movie setiap malam ada kat umah. Gila ke! Makan, tido, tengok tv semua kat ruang tamu, memang shit sial! Kau mungkin rasa winrar sebab boleh berbabi(bergolek sepanjang hari kat satu tempat tanpa perlu bergerak jauh untuk perkara2 lain) kat ruang tamu, tapi please, kamu hanya menyemak! Semak mata tengok tilam tak reti kemas! Walaupun aku selekeh, aku had kan pada personal space aku sahaja. Aku takde la bangang sampai berkubang kat common areas. Dah la MOFO2 ni, ah malas lah nak tulis panjang2 pasal MOFO2.

Urgh, writing really helps. I don't feel the urge to vomit all the toxic above to anyone much now. Yup, kumpul dalam 2k + beli motor pastu pindah. Kali ni aku plak jadi ketua rumah! Rule penting: bayar sewa on time dan jangan jahanamkan rumah. Guna OTAK! Jangan jadi bodoh! At least semua kena tahu kalau ko nak bawak orang tinggal dalam rumah dalam jangka masa agak panjang. Jangan la sebab aku tak rapat ko tak bagitau! Bodoh, aku bayar sewa jugak!(Khas ditujukan kepada MOFO1). Oh, mesti tak berkira pelik2 dan jangan buat rules sendiri tanpa rasional(tak boleh gantung baju la, tak boleh letak barang atas fridge laaa(last2 orang lain letak jugak kan, bodoh! Bodoh tak boleh terima rasional))(Khas buat MOFO2 dengan harapan semoga satu hari nanti aku dapat sepak muka kau sampai pecah).

This Time Round

Today is the first of Ramadhan of 1432H. It reminds me that it has been just a little over 3 years since I finished my studies. I don't count time from my graduation since I chose to grad one year late for a not so good reason. Looking back, in these 3 years++ a lot of things has happen to me(yes, this post is all about me) but nothing changed. I mean, nothing about me has changed. More accurately, there is  lack of improvement in my life and myself than one would usually expect to see from someone who managed to graduate with a decent degree. A few things has gotten worse; I can go on an on to list them and follow the depressing and melancholy theme of this blog or I can take it like a man and do something about it.

As I was walking to somewhere I don't really remember yesterday(or was it the day before?) I began to ponder about my life after graduation and of course comparing it with other friends/acquaintance/people around me who graduate around the same time. Some have even bought a house, a lot are married, most of them seem to be on good career track - having experience and all that shit that you get when you work the same job for some times; others seem to enjoy their lives; living like they've always wanted, following their hearts desire. Oh, most of them have their own personal vehicle and seem to be sensible with their money and manage to save!

Me? What about me? Well jumping into sales didn't really helped much. My interpersonal skills still suck and I can't even think of speaking publicly at work, even though I can BS pretty good around my friends(maybe these two aren't related). Before foraying into sales I was ready to embrace the fact that people int the same industry as I was studying are generally overworked and underpaid. Long hours, lack of respect, looked down and poor paycheck was what I heard. It wasn't really nice but hey, I've got my degree and going to other field doesn't really seems good since I lacked money, time and skills to change field. At least the fast overburden will teach me the technical skills I need and harden my will. But sales made me let myself delude in a lot of my own fantasy. I was chasing "dream" and shit like that while neglecting my technical skills that I've worked for years to obtain, albeit not very good, but the willingness was there. Long story short, looking back going into sales and generally how I handled the realization of my dream during college was useless, wrong and dangerous screwed my really hard.

The iron cage which I painfully built to contain my weak heart so it won't get in the way was shattered. Now I don't really use my rational thinking and blind will anymore; I'm unable to do that anymore. Now I just do whatever I want without having any goal. Shit, if. If . If. If. Ah no use thinking about the alternate path since the time has passed but only to delude myself from reality. Speaking of plan, since I'm WAY off my original plan, now I don't really see what I'm going to do / to be in a few years. Fuck that! All I want to do is up my technical skills and work my way for ten years walking the path of the great. I may not be great, but I can overcome my mediocrity. 

Oh, the fact that I met a secondary school mate last week doesn't really help. It almost throws me into a depressive spiral, luckily the encounter was brief and I was out with my colleagues. That really helped.


Now that my sweat is all dried it's time to take a shower. Doing some exercise really feels good. The KB training is really something. I realized that I'm still a newbie. I haven't even mastered the basic moves yet. But in a few months, I will master them. And I will move up to heavier weight.

Sihat!

Finally, after a few months of thinking, considering, reading on line what people have to say about it, did some once over on a few articles I did it. The thought of it came late afternoon when I was on my way home after a disappointing trip. Went to the new integrated bus station to have lunch. Particularly I was looking forward to have a plate of roasted chicken rice from one stall at the food court there.

The first time I went to the stall, the operator seems a little bit inexperience in food service. Maybe he was new in this business or maybe he was the new worker, and I didn't get my hopes too high on the food. Let's face it. Who expects great from a cafeteria at a bus station. As I had my first bite, that all change. The taste of the roasted chicken sauce was very good. It wasn't like something that was put together to be sold for money. It tasted like food that was prepared for personal consumption. The money paid felt worth it. The old man seems like an honest food stall operator now. More than that, instead of regular food stall MSG soup that accompany chicken rice, the soup was actually good. Tasted like beef soup and it was a little thicker than regular watered down soup complete with the good taste. I wouldn't mind paying more for the food now.

Sadly when I went there this afternoon, I found the stall closed. It was not occupied by anyone(yet) and all the posters that were there before are now gone. With an empty stomach that have been calling to be filled for sometimes I settled for Laksa Johor from another stall. The amount was good and the taste was acceptable compared to the usual food stall near bus stand standard.

After getting of Taman Melati LRT station, I remembered what I've been considering for some times now. I also had in my mind another option of getting a gym membership once again since I have plenty of free time after work, the gym is situated on my way home and I can afford it. Then, calculating my willingness to head to the gym from home which takes into account the 1 hour from home -> LRT station -> gym -> change -> start workout would probably take almost an hour plus the fee and stories I read from the internet plus my experience at that particular gym(especially the staffs), I decided against going to gym again. Heck, I don't want to go to that gym again. After having some thought and the urge to get that "thing" overpowers me, I head out to buy that thing. I went and found one that's good enough and head home.

At last, I am now an owner of a kettlebell. The only thing left now is reading / watching training material and actually DOING it. I bought one dumb bell when I was in secondary school during the holidays, but as my laziness prevailed, I stayed lumpy and unfit.

Now I want to start my kettlebell training. First target, to be able to fit into my working pants easily without sucking in my stomach and have to wear it low since my waistline wont' allow my pants to get too high.

Sleeping Time

This week my sleep pattern has really changed. Never have I went to bed earlier than 1 am. The good part is I don't really get sleepy at the office, only after a few days of lack of sleep I suffered micro sleep. Oh, I don't really get tired when I get home from work. Maybe it's due to not doing any coding or having something interesting to do at home or, whatever. Oh, I managed to function without my daily caffeine dose.

Today I planned to hit the sack early. But like other attempts this week, it gracefully failed when I sit and find something to read. I can't really focus on what I read but I'm so bored having nothing better to do. Doing nonsense doesn't seems very attractive now.

I hope this is a change for the better. Whatever it is, not getting sleepy or bored at work and getting tired at home at the end of the day seems good. Maybe my decision to walk the path of the masters was a good choice. Well, gotta wait 10 years to see that.

Fun, fun, fun!!!

These few days had been fun, fun, fun! Installed Ubuntu 11.04 on my machine to dual boot with existing OS. Had a few hiccups during the first few days, currently not feeling too awkward. Since I use my machine mainly to surf internet, listen to music, watch videos and occasional doing work everything I need is available.

Just finished installing web, database and scripting language server for doing some work and have fun!

The currently apparent downside of all these is the lack of sleep. I only have the time after work and after going through few start-up tutorials, re-installing and just getting comfortable I usually ended up sleeping after 3 am. That and I need to leave for work by 7.30, 7.45 the latest made me late twice this week. Well, only once since on one occasion I took a cab from the LRT station and managed to get in office in time. Not that bad since cab only cost 4 ringgit. And on another occasion I was only late about 5 minutes and that's no big deal.

Lacking sleep for 1 or 2 days was okay, but this morning things became worse. Luckily I have no important meeting or chasing a dateline. I had what I thought was micro sleep. While reading a book, it seems that I went in and out of dreaming and being conscious from time to time. The transition into dream was so seamless it felt real. Wonder how I looked like when that happened. Tried to take a nap at a room nearby but I ended up leaving that room after 10 minutes since I can't fall asleep because there were a group of guys talking and the room was choke filled with cigarette smoke as if all the air in the room was substituted with cigarette smoke. My shirt ended up like it was smoked under a burning heap of cigarettes, shit! Then at 12 something when I can't take it anymore I napped at my place. Woke up about, what maybe was 15 minutes later and felt much better only with little headache. After that everything was fine and smooth sailing ensued.

I've never been this glued and attracted by computer since my family bought our computer a long time ago. I didn't messed with computer enough to think of writing software for the machine at that time though. I was thinking of getting some sleep after getting home from work but that didn't happen. Managed to hold back from powering up my machine during dinner but after that the unfinished business of setting up web/database/scripting server seduced me. Now I have something really interesting to do everyday.

I wonder if I would ever be able to walk the path of software wizards. Seems that this is the only option viable in the long run. The only weak link is me. Do I have enough discipline, aptitude and patience(among many other required) to be excellent? I don't know. But messing around with Linux was fun, although I still have my old habit of just skimming the documentation instead of reading and uploading it straight into my head. But I want to walk the path of masters. The only path seems viable to me since the dream of being math wizard died of slimmed probability. And I give myself 10 years to do that. If by that time I've given up or still stuck at my current level, maybe I should be a waiter or a salesperson at supermarket instead.

Things Happens

Anyway, I haven't been writing for some times and when I write it's like I assume that there's somebody out there that care enough to read through all these trivial matters. Instead of writing more journal style, I write like I'm writing a column in the newspaper. I wonder if I should change my writing style to suit my initial intention of setting up this blog. One of the main reason this blog is up was to train myself arguing more articulately so that I can give criticism/constructive and argue better by having my thoughts and facts in check and my arguments logical and strong. Another reason was to keep my English in check. Since I won't be using it as much as I did when I was in university, it seems that the only channel where I communicate in English is through the internet. Though I sometimes speak English whenever I go to places that gives me that speaking in my mother tongue is not the norm, seems like I only speak simple English. I don't really use the language extensively. It's not that I don't value my mother tongue or trying to be snobbish by using English in writing this blog, I found out that: I can express my thought more clearly in English. Also I found that I'm more willing to unearth those feelings that I usually keep to myself and not dare to speak to anyone about can be unearthed more easily in English. I don't really know the reason for those two, but I think that's good enough. Plus writing in my mother tongue has never been my strong suit since primary school and I found myself more inclined to be emotional and lost for words to convey my thoughts through my mother tongue.

Anyway, enough of the long introduction. Since end of May / early June I've successfully kicked a few bad things that I enjoy to do and they are:

• Smoking
• Surfing LOL/flame blogs
• Watching TV

Smoking was an addiction that I used to cope with work and free time. After reading a little bit more than halfway through The Nicotine Conspiracy by Allen Carr, I think I understand the connection between a smoker's body and the cancer stick and also what the author's method of getting out of the addiction is(even though it's not detailed in that particular book but in his other books). Since that I felt like I just snapped out of the addiction and stopped altogether. It felt good. No longer I find inhaling the deadly mixture inviting.

There used to be a few troll/LOL/flame blogs all maintained by the same person that I frequent since a few years back. I think I stopped following and removing them from my RSS subscription maybe because I found them not as interesting as it used to be. Or maybe it was other reason(s), I can't really pinpoint. Seems that I have more time at night and less distraction when I'm at the office. Even when I opened Cracked a few hours ago to fill some time while waiting for a download to finish, I don' t really found them LOL-able anymore. They are just simply not turning my LOL buttons anymore. To a certain extend HTG seems more interesting compared to Lifehacker/Gizmodo nowadays even when I don't really do what I read on HTG but it seems more cool. LH/Gizmodo articles seems like the result of high adrenaline plus popular culture plus interest in technology. Maybe because I only subscribe to popular post, but the topics seems more towards high-end user but not too technical. Hmmm maybe I'm developing a healthy dose of interest in technical things now or just another excuse for me not read more.
 
I used to watch TV a lot and greatly reduced the amount of TV watching during secondary school thanks to the limited access to it save for the weekends. But after my family subscribed to the sole satellite TV provider, whenever I'm home and to makes things better there was a period where I spend mos of my school holiday alone, I get to lie down and watch TV as much as I can stand. The same thing happens when I was in university and after graduation. I only consume TV at home when I get to control the remote. When I started working, the only time I watched TV like that was when I'm home(again whenever I get to control the remote) and when I'm at my friends' house bumming for a few months(and whenever I'm at their place). This year I watched TV usually after work, catching The Simpsons re-runs and on weekend sometimes. After buying my PC and also because of other circumstances(some of them being I don't own the TV or the subscription) I found TV uninteresting. Not fun anymore. Boring. Too "slow" - I have to wait for the next episode or for the show to repeat, there's too much advertising even after paying for the service(I expect to be able to watch TV uninterrupted by ads since I payed for the service). The stuff on the internet seems more interesting; be it the latest update of my favourite comic strips or just another random article that I found, internet seems a healthier choice for entertainment. Sitting in front of  the telly for hours everyday seems like a shitty way to live. Watching commentators/news reader/anyone yakking non-stop really turned me off. I hope this is it: the moment where I can say goodbye forever to TV and not watching it anymore. I planned not to have any of those in my house anytime in the future.

Generally speaking, things like Facebook status updates and daily news doesn't really interest me like it used to be. Instead they are the opposite of it. Coming tho think of it, the only manga seems interesting nowadays for me is Bakuman. Naruto, One Piece, Bleach(oh, I hated this for a long time already but still follow it nevetheless), History's Strongest Disciple Kenichi, Gantz don't seems to cut it anymore. Maybe old age is catching up and maturing me. Or maybe I'm sort of developing the serious attitude. Hmmmm there're lot of ways to view the situation from.

Maybe because it's part of what I'm doing now. And that is: to be continued since I'm fairly sleepy.

Clarity Or Boredom

It all started when I read somewhere where a blogger made comments about my fellow countrymen lamenting the censorship that's been done in this country on file sharing websites. Upon reading and pondering the posting, I came to similar conclusion to the writer: don't fucking steal other people's work. Let's face it: watching movies and listening to songs currently cost big $$. Whether going to the cinema or buying a legal copy of VCD/DVD/Blu-ray Disc, it's a kind of luxury. Furthermore it was created by hard work of other people. So if they decided to charge $$ for people to enjoy their work, then be it. I personally think that's acceptable and also a for of reward for people pouring labour and dedication onto their work.

The next thing that I realized that my countrymen are poor SOB and don't realize or ignore the fact that they(myself not excluded) are. Luxury are for people who can afford them. If one by chance or misfortune or by one's own decision is poor, one must accept the fact and live with it. It doesn't give one an excuse to steal. Oh BTW, the ones who steals from file sharing sites are SOBs that can afford to own a computer and pay for internet, meaning that they are not that poor since they are stealing entertainment material and not life's necessity. Live with it. Grit your teeth and march forward with life. I'm not saying this on a higher moral ground, instead as also a reminder to myself. Since I have limited amount of legal tender, I should spend them on necessity and if that left none for entertainment, then be it. Thinking about it, if illegal downloading is prohibited, maybe a lot of people will find the evening boring and start talking about the state of this country's economic condition. Maybe that'll result in something interesting. :)

Another thing that got my attention was when a colleague complained(luckily not to me) about the sole satellite TV provider in this country will increase their charge. To myself I said "SO BE IT. The company can charge an arm or a leg for the service for all I care. It's not life's necessity". I wonder how the price increase in entertainment seems to take higher priority than the increase in basic needs. Don't they see how big a hole in their wallet petrol price hike made? How much a meal cost today? How much overhead cost we need every month? How little we have left near the end of each month? How much salary has pretty much stagnated compared to increased in living cost for the past 20 years? I really hope a lot of people will realize and get angry. Then get even. Then realize that your life is harsh. Then realize that you need to prioritize in spending or suffer the consequences. I wonder what'll happen if monthly satellite TV here cost more than 100 a month? What will people skimp on? I don't mind what the single people will do since they don't usually have dependent but how about families? Do we really need that black box(or slim black display unit) in our home? I was puzzled when a colleague a few years senior but on the same job level talked about selling his 40 inch plus TV and buying a bigger one? WTF? Why are you willing to pay so much just for entertainment when it burns a big hole in your pocket? Is your life that painful you need to get drugged daily by a dose of TV? Darn, I blame marketing! :)

All those aside, currently I.. to be continued since I'm going out for dinner.

Darn!

Date: 10 June 2011
Time: 2.57pm(according to my workstation clock)
Location: cubicle
Listening to: Shape Of Things To Come - Audioslave

Damn! My emotionally triggered easting disorder has gotten out of control.
Instead of waiting until I'm at home to unleash the unhealthy activity of
stuffing my face with wholesome fast food and snacks and sugary beverages
and cold sweet treat and all sort of other junks that I include in my food
binge repertoire, I was still hungry after lunch! After a freaking HEAVY
lunch! Shit! Lucky that my boss is on leave, no meeting to attend or other
shitty stuff that requires meeting other people. I can't face other people
when I'm like this. I may look happy and all on the outside by emotionally
I'm depressed and can't stand having anybody looking at me when I'm like
this. All I need is some time alone, probably binging, hopefully no smoking
since I just stopped that addiction almost two weeks ago. Then, after hours
of sleep and self loathing, only can I meet other people.

Fuck! My stomach hurt! Luckily I only had rojak to fulfill the calorie
craving. I was going to order some waffles but then the rojak seems like a
better choice than a gooey, soft, warm, sweet, nutty, chocolaty taste of
chocolate peanut butter waffle. With the filing oozing, hot out of the
waflle machine and then licking the tasty filing off my stained finger, oooops,
dangerous. Let's wait until after work for another round of binging.
Yahahahha!!!!

Urghhh! Lucky that today is Friday and for all the circumstances that's in
front of me today, my craving did not cause much trouble. Now, there's about
2 and a half hours to kill before the binge fest begin! The good thing about
my eating disorder is it taste fucking good! Emphasis on the good!

I maybe fatter, sadder and more depressed, but 20/11/2011 seems a good day
to die! Ooops. Hehe!

I'll Dedicate My Work To You My Crush

Shit my whole post gone! Fuck that! I'm not gonna write it again! Fuck!

Oh, the gist of the post are:

• I want to make my heart stronger instead of locking in a stronger safe.
• 500 Days Of Summer is my kind of romantic movie. So is Mary And Max.
• I'm dedicating the two systems that I'm developing to you.
• Whatever that will or won't happen between us, I only hope the best for you.

Adios~


Since I'm too lazy to pen my article again, I'm gonna post it here.
I'm waiting for a woman to says things like the ones in this song to me. Soon.

Pseudo-Psychology

For the past few days before today(yes, yet another back dated post, because I'm a very dedicated and successful procrastinator) my feelings was very unstable. No, this time it's not about love or any feelings associated with it. It's those feelings associated with depression. I felt moody the first thing after waking up and I felt like chewing off the head of the first person who ticks me off. Not only that, I hated to go to work(more than I usually  do), procrastinated at work, always looking if there's something I can do to distract me from focusing on my real work. Surfed the internet, took long smoke break(this was possible since I smoke "Sunshine") and heading back as soon as my official office hours was over.

The worst happened last weekend. I felt depressive, thinking about the reality of my life: being a fat, idiot, short, no-skills loser. I'm not smart, not tall enough, ugly, dumb, numerically challenged and my sports IQ is same as a retarded person's real IQ, far below than average. All those thinking really made me depressed. Thank goodness I don't really have that much work these past two week. I purposely overeat, stayed cooped inside my room spending time doing nothing. Fuck, last weekend was the time I felt the worst(emotionally) point of my life. I couldn't really imagine feeling worse than I did last week, but hey, even if I can't imagine it, it's still statistically possible sometimes in the future, given that I'm still living and breathing I'll feel worse than I did last weekend.

Long story short, I remembered that to get these depressive feeling off my mind was to take a shower. Most of the time, I really felt better after a shower if I was feeling low like a piece of shit that was stepped upon. So, on Monday (or was it Sunday, or Tuesday, ah heck, the point is it happened in the past) I went into the shower, lying down then sitting on the floor. After a short cold shower, getting out all cold and shivering, I managed to feel better and fresh. Huh, who knows that taking a shower was THAT good for my emotion. I need to look into it. The shower was like a good hard slap on my face that set my head straight. I managed to go out and did a few normal daily chores like taking out the trash and bought some groceries. Hmm, maybe what I need to stay insane is to take my showers regularly. Maybe a psychologist will be prescribing this treatment to future / potential patient. Hahaha!

Thinking about it, maybe I need to bring along an atomizer or a spray bottle so that I can spray my face whenever my feelings become melancholy and suicidal. Adios~

Conscience

One of the good thing that I'm really grateful of still having is my conscience. Although a lot of times it rendered my unable to fully engage in the thing that I was doing at that particular time and slowed me down and made me feel awkward, it manages to tell me what was I doing at reminded me the consequences. It usually comes in the form of myself thinking ethically or legally whether according to religion or the laws or both. When it struck it really struck hard. It makes me uncomfortable and seemed bored.

The main reason I'm writing this is the fact that my conscience made me walk away from a party yesterday night. I walked out early, on the excuse that my housemate left his key, hence unable to enter the house and required me to go back home. It was a big relief for me. For sometimes during the party I was thinking everything was okay until someone came and that was the cue for me to leave. That guy wasn't the reason I felt I had to leave. The reason being who that guy was and who picked up the tab that night for the party. Long story short I was convinced I must go; with my "cool"-nothing-going-on face I told my friend who held the party and took my leave. It was still before midnight and I could still take the LRT but since I wanted to get home as soon as possible so my choice was obvious: taxi.

Thanks dude: you, the one who was fishing hundreds miles away on a boat at the sea when I called to ask about my "hypothetical" question. Man, what an experience. Seems that I'm still naive when it comes to such things and the realities of life still manage to shock me. What money and entertainment drive people to do, how a married man with 2 small kids was able leave them with his wife at home and went out to have fun with his buddies; I'm still shocked to see this happening in front of my eyes.

Now, off to another topic to pad this entry. Since this blog turns into a place where I pour my heart out instead of systematically writing my opinions about current issues(my fault for not reading enough) I think adding this to the entry is quite acceptable, if you please. Personally I think it's unfair for a married man or woman for that matter to leave his or her spouse alone taking care of the kids. Being sexist and irresponsible is one thing, but going out to have fun while the other half of you spending his or her time and effort to cope with the chore is unthinkable. Unless there's some arrangement, sort of taking turn to deal with the kids, it's very disappointing to see it happening. I know since I'm still single I wouldn't possibly know how a married life is, but being married, being committed to a family is shouldering the responsibility of dividing the chores and burden and with that carry on your fair share of the chore duly. Shirking responsibility as a married person effect not just the spouse, but also the family as a whole. Kids learn about family, about how the mum-dad tag team works from the example set by their parents. And most of the time, people based their parenting practise on how their parents did. It's true that people can change and learn but to unlearn those deeply ingrained memories of parenting takes a lot of effort. Worse, they can't even realise that what they do as a parent is wrong. What I'm trying to say is neglecting responsibilities as a parent, as a spouse effects the other spouse: doubling his or her responsibility to carry on his or her already heavily burdened shoulder; and it also sets a bad example for the kids.

Going to another topic, continuing from the last one, I think that the memories that I had as a child convinced me that I'm not a husband material nor I'm a father material. I will not divulge the details here but suffice to say I think it's very scary thinking I'm going the be protecting my wife and kids, be the pillar of the family, shelter them, feed them, educate them, love them, set good example to them, be patient with them, guide them in their lives, taking care of them when they are sick, thinking about what I'll feel when my daughter becomes someone else's girl, thinking what will be of my children when they know their father is a fat ass lazy dork who's socially inept, academically weak, physically inactive, numerically challenged, stubborn, broke(for the time being), selfish, knows no sports, having no money nor any special skills that'll make them proud of amaze them. Maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe, given my current condition, biologically there'll be no female homo sapiens finds me attractive enough as a mate and I won't be able to produce offspring. That in some way is good because genetically I have physical disadvantages(having low metabolism, "kurang inci", "gains weight easily", dangerous history of hereditary disease), mental problem(let's be honest, I'm unable to control my actions when I'm angry or attracted for that matter. Oh, and I also have lower than average IQ;)), my inability to communicate what I really feel inside my hearts of hearts, my unwillingness to communicate what I really thinks, due to my trust issue and myriad of other things. The world would be slightly but not really  much a better place with more humans having my defect.

The last paragraph just made me melancholy. Maybe I'll be foreveralone.jpg like I wanted to a few years back. Maybe I'm just a sad fat fuck dork with lower than average math skills. Whatever it is I'm really relieved that currently I've not much to think about except getting a new shirt and pants and also a blazer since my work shirt has shown the signs of being well worn, the stitches of my pants is torn, nampak sangat gemuk lagi, my chair's two casters have broke, lagi satu bukti gemuk, my shoes are worn and beyond repair - babeng aaa tak repair aritu. Darn, I really hate clothes shopping. I shop like a girl. I compare my options, weight the design, the feeling, how it looks on me, what are my other options, how much it costs, how much I like it whenever I shop for clothes. Shit, I just need to grab anything that's within my price range and doesn't suck and make it to the cashier.

Adios.

Fuck!

Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Shit babi babi babi babeng! Those are the only words that could describe my feelings when on eof my friends gave me an invitation to his wedding end of this month. A few times I looked at the card on the table where I just had dinner with another friend  and the guy asked me whether I can believe it or not. I looked at the card with a mixture of feelings: disbelief; a guy who liked to huha huha is going to get married; depressed; it almost ruined my whole night with my buddy. I'm not really good with hanging with just another person and the moodiness that came with my depressive feeling almost made me an asshole who just can't seemed to be bothered with what he was talking. Lucky for me that didn't happen and as he was driving me back home I was still able to have a decent conversation. I hope he didn't think that I was rude or bored or mistook it for something else. Angry; with myself realizing that even a guy with a huha huha attitude would be getting married and he is the same age as me.

Honestly this is the first time I had that kind of mixed feelings receiving a wedding invitation from anyone. Maybe the fact that we are at the same age, he's the huha huha type made me realize the reality that I'm trying to ignore for sometimes now. I still couldn't even have a meaningful relationship with another person from the opposite sex due to my inability to properly socialize and communicating my true feelings. Plus being a creep who thinks he's a nerd but lacking math and science skills and not being a nerd about anything loser really doesn't help. I always tell other people (most of the time) that I wanted to get married late, enjoy my bachelorhood for sometimes and have fun. Fuck that! That's just a part of me who happened to exists due to (I'm just speculating here) my shyness and unwillingness to admit that deep down inside the heart of my heart I really wanted a meaningful relationship of a member of the opposite sex. Add to that my failure to carry out my life plan of getting married two years after university and since my plan has gone awry part of it no thanks to trying a sales job(which offered no salary, only commission) because I think that it'll be just a while. Rationalizing with myself that I was good to build my social skills and selling technique(it did a little, just a tiny winy bit). Maybe because I always hold on to different believes on a lot of things/issues that I don't know what I want anymore.

Ah fuck that. Fuck. I'm so depressed I'm feeling like binging on fast food at this time of the day, sleep late and go to work tomorrow feeling like shit. My great weekend involving going to the department family day and going for a movie with my friends went to waste just by receiving a wedding invitation. Arghhh!!! Since my life plan has gone awry, I'm not as physically fit anymore, not working for a corporate that pays above average, nor my brain is as good as it was, fuck fuck fuck! Receiving that invitation card invokes that side of me that realizes the fact that my life is not in the right track (whether according to my planned track or what the social accept as normal for a guy my age). I'm not physically fit, nor smart, not a programming wizard, even having no real friends who I can confide to who is nearby, fuck! fuck! I feel like weeping. Maybe this is what FOREVERALONE.jpg feels like. Shit! Shit! Shit! Fuck!

These Past Not So Few Hours

Date: 27/04. Time: 4:31 according to the computer clock. It's not yet time to go home and still there's at least one hour left for me to do my work. Work, you say? Not a very good idea. I've been sitting here at my desk browsing the internet for firewall review, locate a shop that sells Sound Stick III, check coverage of my broadband internet provide, sync bookmarks from my work pc, search for tutorial and introduction to SSH, looking for computer macro software that costs nothing, call a few people from other departments, commenting in forum - just two topics though and the thing that I did the least was the thing I mainly get paid for - work. I'm supposed to be doing my programming to be shown to some user from another department but fuck shit I don't have any willingness to do so. Today is the first day in my current employment I feel "lemau" - a mixture of lethargy, inability to
focus, procrastanation, thinking of something else and just being blur.

I should have gone to bed earlier than 2.xxam (or was it 3.xxam) last night(or morning perhaps?.) But darned my new PC and all the undiscovered tricks, unlocked processor and memory potential, the connection to the information superhighway (does anyone use this ter anymore?) that's amazingly fast
last night, my curiosity to set up tunneling so I can connect remotely to my PC from work. Yes, the last one was the main culprit. My wanting of setting up a secure remote connection to my home PC. The ability to download media by not using office resources(I don't do nor condone this, currently).
The curious side of me takes control again. Yeay! and oh shit! I'm currently working on not so very tight schedule but randomness of other people - namely my prospect system users, my supervisor, my boss and their bosses should they get any revelation from the higher ups; I'll be screwed. Shit
nobody interferes when an engineer build a tower, no one question when a doctor takes his time diagnosing and dispensing out medication by saying "I want to be up and running by tomorrow morning doc, cure my broken leg!" but when it comes to software and other computer related works such as network maintenance, programming, Pc maintenance we(yes, I am sure that most of the IT dudes) receive the same respect given by the pharaohs to the slaves. "I want this system to be up and running by last month". "It must be able to know what I want." "That button should know my mood and change it's colour accordingly." "Use open source tools, they're free." "I've waited for a month and the system is still not done yet?." These are some exaggerated statements very familiar for dudes in the IT field especially programming. Just because our job is to type in language understood by machines, it doesn't mean that it's as easy as typing. Even the cleaning is respected: when she's cleaning, don't get in the way, nobody tell her how to do her job. Ah, enough side tracking about shitty users and little respect received, it's all in a programmers' day.

Now, the real deal. I woke up and it was around 7.38am(lucky it's not later). Perceiving the morning brightness(hey, did I turn off the light last night? If I didn't who did? Or was it on the whole night? Damn I need to repair the door knob; I kicked open my room door last week after realising I've locked myself out. That'll be another story). Dressing up for work is not hard. The hard part is to not look like I didn't take my morning shower and my shirt must not be too crumpled. Forgoing morning shower, coffee, exercise and ironing my shirt I brushed my teeth, get dressed up, replied a SMS (or did I replied it later) and then looking at the time again. Estimating that I will probably be late(my working hours are rigid), I tried to figure out good excuses to give in the system(my office records automatically staffs' arrival time) so that it will not look like I was lying and other reasons.The ideas I'm telling might not be in the order they popped up in my mind; thes are the unordered list.
I was thinking about going to the clinic and tell the doctor I have been vomiting and experiecing stomach cramps and also dizziness; the signs of food poisoning. I can then take the day off, sleep until mid day or as much as I need and then continue setting up my secure connection. See, I'm an idiot who thinks he's good with computer and doesn't realise that in reality I'm an idiot with IQ barely enough to be called a normal human. Then, thinking that I need to set some appointment with user, the cost of the medication, the possibility not getting MC but still end up paying the doctor, I ditched the idea. Another idea was telling my friend was sick and I need to send him to the clinic. Then again, being friends with young males, it's hard to make people believe how sick your friend was that you need to send him to the clinic. Plus, I would be lying about driving someone else's car, having a sick friend and having any friend at all. So the idea goes down wherever ditched ideas go. I was also contemplating the idea telling that I went to the clinic. But then, I would need to get a time slip and the keyword here is PAY. 20 or 30 ringgit for a few rushed minutes going to work? The scrooge in me didn't like that. Then as I was heading to the LRT station, I looked at the time. If I can get
to my destination before 8.20 am, I might have the luck of taking the bus or if worse come worse I can just hail a cab and it only costs around 5 ringgit. I was pretty lucky today. Upon arriving at my station, the bus arrived in a few seconds and judging by the time, I could make it to the office in time. As the bus was approaching, I looked at the number. It as U23 and it was my ride. In the end, I managed to clock in at 8.27 am. Saved!!!!!!

Today most of my colleague in the same unit including my supervisor and my immediate boss had to go for a workshop. Meaning nobody(or rather not many body) will be looking at me during working hours. Another lucky thing the bosses meeting is cancelled this week: my deparment head won't be pressured to get it done and I'll have more time to tinker with the programming and enhancement(i don't think including necessary feature can be called enhancement) the system. Though the sistem is small, I've not been programming for almost 3 years and now I kinda slow in typing and thinking the logic. Shit, dah out of shape. Not many people around, more time, oh another thing was
my supervisor told me I don't need to attend a meeting today(which I was thinking as a way to go back early since it's an out of office meeting). Nevertheless the situation was ripe for me to "mengular". So after a breakfast of Malay cakes and Mountain Dew - breakfast fit for a champion, I set to work. I wasn't really able to get many things done since like I mention, I was lemau but still some stuff gets done. Since most of my office buddies were busy, I ended up buying packed lunch from the cafeteria downstairs. That's where something happened. Before heading to the cafeteria, I went to the room where my colleagues were having a workshop with the intention of having free lunch and not having to walk under the hot blazing afternoon sun (was it sunny today? I don't know).

Post lunch what I did most of the time was surfing the internet and then compose this shitty post. The end.

A Close Miss

At first it seems real. Like the real thing. Almost cost me my darn expensive emotions and of course other resources such as time. I nearly fell hard for the second time.

The second encounter clears everything out. It was just a mistake. Mistaken you for somebody else. Saw you in a different angle. Almost like seeing through time-based filter that goes back a few years. Thank god it wasn't real.

Now that has passed and I'm emotionally stable, well not really because now things seems to be going smooth and I'm very happy with my working life. Maybe it's just a temporary kick from the serotonin shots my body is giving, but hey since it's good and not damaging(I hope) let's savor it while it last.

Ahhh things are going good. I just need to be able at least to go through if things get murky. Adieu~

Save The Kids

It's already happened a few times in my life. But the one incident that struck me hard right into my heart happened last year. It was a usual day to begin. I went out for dinner after work at a restaurant nearby. Then it happened. A kid, wearing a collared t-shirt with pants and songkok came and asked for donation. He said it was for the orphans and disadvantaged kids. I declined since I doubt the money given will not be used for the noble purpose he mentioned. Then he left. That boy reminded me of my own little brother. His physique resembled him very closely. Though the face looks different, but the way he talks, his body size and his age was very close to that of my little brother. I'm not that close with my siblings but my little brother is the youngest among the four of us, so it was natural for everyone in the family to be close and liked him very much. I felt guilty not giving at least some money to that kid earlier. After that, when I was on my way home, I spotted that kid at a public phone booth. I parked my motorcycle and approached him. I asked him about which madrasah he was from, his age and how the begging for donations work. I gave him a some money and went back without the guilt that I had earlier. Once, in a different incident I even asked for the number of the school he was from, from the kid that begged for donation. I felt like helping these kids. I'm not that altruistic kind of person and not really fond of children myself but seeing kids begging while I'm comfortably sitting having food on the table really made me sad and angry and kind of depressed.

My main issue here is not about guilt nor being altruistic, but about my anger towards the people who made these kids beg. Most of the time these kids will beg around eateries, walking from table to table asking for donation from people they met. Usually this happens after sundown, during night hours. There are a few issues that I'm really pissed off and it was a coincidence a kid just asked me for donation when I was having dinner. Not wanting to wait until my anger quell, I decided to make this entry. The first issue is the responsibility of a guardian. The teachers, ustaz, or whomever that is taking care of these kids is to at least match the quality of care provided by parents. The good kind of parents of course, not the kind that abuse and neglect their children. Some of the basic needs of children are shelter, food, education and guidance from their parents or guardian. What kind of guardian makes their kids for their own food. For fuck sake if you really want to take care of orphans, the disadvantaged kids please by all means, do it. It's a noble thing to do and not many are willing to do it but do it FUCKING PROPERLY. Yes, some kids learn trade at tender age but what do they learn by walking around at night begging from strangers? Do you want to show them that life is fucking hard, that you have nobody else in this world and those people outside there doesn't care about you because they don't donate? Yes, I admit that not everybody got it smooth in life but for FUCK SAKE be responsible. What can they learn at such age from begging? If you want to teach them the art of trade be it farming, business or computer programming do it like a parent would do. What kind of parent make their kids pay for their own food and shelter? I wonder if the money from these begging trips also goes to those who "takes care" of them. If it does, that you people who do that are taking advantage from these orphans and poor kids are you are worst than a sweatshop owner employing underage kids.  If you happen to really love kids and wanted to protect them, GET THE FUCKING MONEY YOURSELF! Making kids beg IS NOT a good idea. These are the reason why.

Kids needs to learn, to play with their peers, socialize, and need rest. What would happen to their growth if they spend the night from sundown until midnight walking around begging? How could they go to bed early and get a good night sleep, to get enough rest, to recharge for the next day? Do you think these kids can grow up properly if they don't get enough rest? How would the be able to learn, to understand, to absorb what they learn during the day? When would they find the time to revise what they've learned? To add to these, a lot of these kids are from religious school or madrasah and their load from learning if far more than a kid going to the normal school? Do you expect these kids to memorize all the hadith, the Koran, all that Sirah and other subjects they learn if they goes to school tired from not having enough sleep because the spent the night before begging? FUCK YOU! You make it hard for these kids to learn. Education is a big part in growing up, there's no way to make up for time passed. Time passed learning is good but time passed wandering around begging for donation is NOT a good thing. What would they become if they don't get good education after spending a lot of time too tired during the day to learn and spend the night begging? Think about the future of these kids. You adults don't really have much more time left on earth but these kids, God willing have more years to come and if after their schooling years they don't have a good education, what will become of them? You probably would've already kicked the bucket at that time, leaving these kids unprepared, unequipped to face the harsh reality and carry out their responsibilities.

Then there's the safety issue. Yes, these kids walks in well lit establishments and only at certain hours. But hey, they are young, defenseless and happens to carry some amount of cash. I'm not sure if any thieve have thought about robbing these kids of their money. Then again, do you want to risk that to happen. Crime rate is, sadly not that low in this part of the world and crime happens and they do not discriminate whether the victim is an orphan or poor. When that happens, what the fuck can you say? If money is that is lost due to these kids getting robbed than that's it. What if the kid was harmed in any way? What if they're injured? What if the injury is permanent? What if the kid died? Who the fuck will take responsibility? What more can you say? Sorry, shit happens? A parent(a good one of course) will on in their clear mind put their children in such a big risk. Please FUCKING THINK! They are kids, they need to be protected from the dangers of the world, to be prepared to face the world when they are old enough, not to be thrown away to face the such dangers.Who in their sane mind would teach kids to BEG? Are you DUMB?

Remember, you are taking care of the orphans and poor kids. Don't take advantage of them. No parent would do so. If you sincerely want to raise them, do it as if you are their real parent, not a sweatshop owner that uses child labor, treat them badly and neglect their safety for personal gain. Never ever mask your ugly intentions with such noble cause. Just because these kids are defenseless, having no one to protect them (or else their parent won't let this kind of thing happens), you can use them to make money. Such a shitty excuse. You really ruin things for people who genuinely care and raise these kids with everything they can provide. Don't bother to take care of kids if you just want to make them beg. They deserve better than that. Their lives is already hard to begin with and don't you go screw it for them.

One thing that bothers me about this: do these kids have some sort of "quota" of amount they should achieve on every round of begging? If they do, what happens if they don't get the said quota? Will they get punished? This thought alone is really worrisome. Not only they are far from any relatives, made to beg and punished if they don't get the targeted amount of money. If they do, then these people are just like an abusive parents. They make the kids earn money and then punish them for not getting enough. I understand the fact that parents sometimes pressure their kids to perform in certain situations such as academics, sports or maybe ballet dancing but expecting these kids to reach a target amount of begging? That's a bit on the psycho side. Screw you people who made these kids beg for their own food. I hope your place got raided and you get sent to jail for good and these kids are saved from being enslaved by people who don't know a fucking thing about raising kids but pretend to take care of them when what you really do is nothing different from an organized crime.