One of the good thing that I'm really grateful of still having is my conscience. Although a lot of times it rendered my unable to fully engage in the thing that I was doing at that particular time and slowed me down and made me feel awkward, it manages to tell me what was I doing at reminded me the consequences. It usually comes in the form of myself thinking ethically or legally whether according to religion or the laws or both. When it struck it really struck hard. It makes me uncomfortable and seemed bored.
The main reason I'm writing this is the fact that my conscience made me walk away from a party yesterday night. I walked out early, on the excuse that my housemate left his key, hence unable to enter the house and required me to go back home. It was a big relief for me. For sometimes during the party I was thinking everything was okay until someone came and that was the cue for me to leave. That guy wasn't the reason I felt I had to leave. The reason being who that guy was and who picked up the tab that night for the party. Long story short I was convinced I must go; with my "cool"-nothing-going-on face I told my friend who held the party and took my leave. It was still before midnight and I could still take the LRT but since I wanted to get home as soon as possible so my choice was obvious: taxi.
Thanks dude: you, the one who was fishing hundreds miles away on a boat at the sea when I called to ask about my "hypothetical" question. Man, what an experience. Seems that I'm still naive when it comes to such things and the realities of life still manage to shock me. What money and entertainment drive people to do, how a married man with 2 small kids was able leave them with his wife at home and went out to have fun with his buddies; I'm still shocked to see this happening in front of my eyes.
Now, off to another topic to pad this entry. Since this blog turns into a place where I pour my heart out instead of systematically writing my opinions about current issues(my fault for not reading enough) I think adding this to the entry is quite acceptable, if you please. Personally I think it's unfair for a married man or woman for that matter to leave his or her spouse alone taking care of the kids. Being sexist and irresponsible is one thing, but going out to have fun while the other half of you spending his or her time and effort to cope with the chore is unthinkable. Unless there's some arrangement, sort of taking turn to deal with the kids, it's very disappointing to see it happening. I know since I'm still single I wouldn't possibly know how a married life is, but being married, being committed to a family is shouldering the responsibility of dividing the chores and burden and with that carry on your fair share of the chore duly. Shirking responsibility as a married person effect not just the spouse, but also the family as a whole. Kids learn about family, about how the mum-dad tag team works from the example set by their parents. And most of the time, people based their parenting practise on how their parents did. It's true that people can change and learn but to unlearn those deeply ingrained memories of parenting takes a lot of effort. Worse, they can't even realise that what they do as a parent is wrong. What I'm trying to say is neglecting responsibilities as a parent, as a spouse effects the other spouse: doubling his or her responsibility to carry on his or her already heavily burdened shoulder; and it also sets a bad example for the kids.
Going to another topic, continuing from the last one, I think that the memories that I had as a child convinced me that I'm not a husband material nor I'm a father material. I will not divulge the details here but suffice to say I think it's very scary thinking I'm going the be protecting my wife and kids, be the pillar of the family, shelter them, feed them, educate them, love them, set good example to them, be patient with them, guide them in their lives, taking care of them when they are sick, thinking about what I'll feel when my daughter becomes someone else's girl, thinking what will be of my children when they know their father is a fat ass lazy dork who's socially inept, academically weak, physically inactive, numerically challenged, stubborn, broke(for the time being), selfish, knows no sports, having no money nor any special skills that'll make them proud of amaze them. Maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe, given my current condition, biologically there'll be no female homo sapiens finds me attractive enough as a mate and I won't be able to produce offspring. That in some way is good because genetically I have physical disadvantages(having low metabolism, "kurang inci", "gains weight easily", dangerous history of hereditary disease), mental problem(let's be honest, I'm unable to control my actions when I'm angry or attracted for that matter. Oh, and I also have lower than average IQ;)), my inability to communicate what I really feel inside my hearts of hearts, my unwillingness to communicate what I really thinks, due to my trust issue and myriad of other things. The world would be slightly but not really much a better place with more humans having my defect.
The last paragraph just made me melancholy. Maybe I'll be foreveralone.jpg like I wanted to a few years back. Maybe I'm just a sad fat fuck dork with lower than average math skills. Whatever it is I'm really relieved that currently I've not much to think about except getting a new shirt and pants and also a blazer since my work shirt has shown the signs of being well worn, the stitches of my pants is torn, nampak sangat gemuk lagi, my chair's two casters have broke, lagi satu bukti gemuk, my shoes are worn and beyond repair - babeng aaa tak repair aritu. Darn, I really hate clothes shopping. I shop like a girl. I compare my options, weight the design, the feeling, how it looks on me, what are my other options, how much it costs, how much I like it whenever I shop for clothes. Shit, I just need to grab anything that's within my price range and doesn't suck and make it to the cashier.
Adios.
