Aku Sangat Bermasalah

Now's the start of the second week. I thought after a 3 day weekend things would be better.
But thing's aren't. No, things are still the same, I'm the one with issues. This time round it's worse than before. Worse than anything that I'd experienced. It's official, I'm not okay and it's affecting my performance at work. Not that I'm a superstar, but being unable to do anything related to work in the office the whole day for more than a week is serious. No matter where you work. Period.

Fuck, can't get myself doing anything. My leave is in 2 weeks. Can I hold on for that long? Will my boss ask for status update in that time frame? Most probably. Will the user forget what we agreed in the meeting last week and get back to me on that? There's a slight possibility. That's good. I can use that to hold on. Even looking at my IDE causes me to feel nauseous. Enough about not being able to work. That point's been
made clear.

Now, I was expecting to carry that feeling home after office hours. But it didn't.  I felt free, liberated and strangely, happy. Which is good. But there's a part inside me that wants to feel like shit. I want to continue feeling down low at home. Binge eat  and mope, indulge in feeling depressed ans suicidal. Maybe how I handle it was wrong. Maybe I should've exercised and do whatever I do normally at home. Why not, I was feeling good?

The situation is 180 degree from before. Usually if I feel like this it would be at home and I can still carry on normally at the office. Not this time round. I should try being all fine and dandy at home, living normally doing what I want to do and let the problem manifest in the office. But.. yes the inevitable 'but'. But I can't let that happen. I can't show that I'm not okay. I can't show I have problems. Why? Why would I do that, my dear inexisting dear readers, you would ask? Because that's my personality. That's me. That's what I do. That's who I am. That's the kind of personality that I've developed through my experience as a human.

There's one thing I could try today. I might just eat right and exercise at home today. I'll force myself if I need. Then I'll see what happens tomorrow. If shit continues, I'll hold on to the 28th. I'm thinking of an island getaway but still undecided where to go. Any suggestion for a relaxing island getaway? I have Pulau Redang/Perhentian Kecil/Tioman on my list. Let's hope I'll get better. Things can stay the same. I need to get over my problems. I want to.